Conversations in my head

You've had a rough new year.

Oh crap.
I don't have time
for you right now.

You got me wrong, dude.
I'm not here to give you a hard time.

Really?

Yeah.  You're not the only one changing.
Don't get me wrong.  I'm still gonna be there
making your life miserable as much as I can.
But for now, I'm telling you, you get a pass.

I don't trust you.

Dude, I don't expect you to, but
we're all rooting for you.

All?

Yeah.  Thin Me is here and Fat Me too.

Thin Me: Hey.

Fat Me: Hiya.

Hey guys.

I'm still confused.

Look.  We've been watching you and...

Thin Me: Hey before we get going here, we
gotta give you a name.

Fat me: How about Left Hand Guy?

Left Hand Guy: I can live with that.
As I was saying, we've been watching you.

FM: You're changing.

TM: You're growing.

FM: No fat jokes! Oh, I get what
you're saying. Never mind.

LHG: And whether we like it or not, we're along for the ride

I still don't understand.
What are you doing here?

Why are you all talking to me?

FM: Well, first off, it sounds like you need some help.
My job would have been to feed you food.  But...

TM: I've been able to talk him out of it, for the most part.

FM: And I've been listening to TM.

LHG: And I just don't have the heart to kick a man when
he's down.  Well, actually I do, but these other
two have been keeping me in check.

Ok. Sure. Life has been stressful. I appreciate

the break guys, but...
this is a little crazy.
Even for me.

ALL: But we heard what you said, Kevin.

What?

FM: To the mirror.

TM: When you usually say to yourself, that
you have kind eyes.

LHG: But tonight you said...

You have sad eyes.

LHG: Yes.

TM: And we just thought...

FM: That you needed a hug.

Ok.  This is really getting weird.

Did I take my pills this morning?

FM: You really don't get it do you?

LHG: You're the one who said that we are ME.

Yeah, but...

TM: There is no but.  Whether you like it or not
we are US, we are WE. And
you're getting a reprieve.

LHG: And I have to tell you, I'm surprised with you.

Why?

LHG: Because FM has been knocking at your door
for two weeks and you've not given him a lot of  face time.

FM: I don't mind.  Actually I think it's a good thing.
I just wanted to let you know I was there if you
needed me.

Um. Thanks?

FM: No probs.

LHG: And you've been ignoring me, except
for that whole fear of financial ruin thing.  I admit that
was low, even for me.

TM: LHG, you really are a jerk.

LHG: I know, but we're not here to talk about me.
We're here to talk about ME.

But, how are we gonna give us a hug?

TM: It's a metaphor, dum dum.

LHG: Oooo there's something I want to say here,
but I'll hold our tongue.

FM: I wish I had brought ice cream.

TM: Well, that's our cue.  Time for us to go.

Really? I was just getting getting used

to the fact that we were talking to us.

LHG:  All the better to stop before people
start thinking you're strange in the head.

FM:  Rocky Road, Cookie Dough.  Ooo, I know, Butter Brickle.

TM: We gotta go.

FM: I'll be here if you need me, but I don't
think you will.

LHG: And remember, I'll be back, and
I'm still a jerk.  But if you can change,
I'm only going to change with you.

TM: He doesn't really have a choice.

FM: None of us do.  You're the one in driver's seat.

ALL: And let your eyes be sad. Sad is not bad.

Ok guys.  I'm not sure what to say.

ALL: Don't worry about it.

Conversations in my head

So, you're back on "the program" are you?

Yeah.

Feeling good?

Yeah.

Doing ok so far?

Mostly, yeah.

You're not going to be able to do it, day in and day out.

I know.

You're eventually gonna eat more than you should.

I know.

You're gonna have days where you just don't want to exercise.

I know.

You're going to screw up.

I know.

You are going to fail.

I know.

You a...what?

I know all these things.

I'm not perfect.

  We're not perfect.

So why do it?

Because most days, I will eat right.

Most days I will exercise.

Most days I will be good enough.

Most days I will succeed.

Yeah, but "most days" means some days you will fall.
And I'll be right there to make you feel like shit.

I know.

Aren't you scared?

Yeah.  But I do not fear you.

Dude, don't you get it?

I'm in a better place.

I can look at you and not fear you.

I know you now better than I ever have.

Sure I'm scared that it won't work in the end, but

I do not fear trying.

I do not fear facing you and

Telling you to go to hell 

When I need to.

I won't make it easy for you.

I wouldn't expect anything less.

You are a part of me.

You always will be.

But, what I've decided...

What?

I've decided that I'm not doing
This to prove you wrong.

I'm doing it for me.  

And you.

Me?

Yeah.
You serve a purpose. You make me

Question. Inquire. Challenge. 

Learn. Live. Love.

You are not evil.

You + me = ME.

And I'm ready

To make ME

Something new.

Something old.

Something real.

Something happy.

You're a tool.

Ha!

I know.  So are you.

You coming?

More Conversations in my Head

I feel fat.

Fat is not a feeling.  Fat is not an emotion.
 

Fine.  I am fat then.
 

True, I can't deny that.  But, that's all

it is.  A fact. It is not a judgement. It 

is not a comment on who you are.

When I lay in bed, I can feel the fat

hanging from my body. When I walk

I can feel it jiggling.

Gross.  But again, it is just a fact.

Nothing more.

I feel ugly.

Dude, ugly isn't a feeling.

See above.

Ok smarty pants.  I am ugly.

No, you are beautiful.

Girls are beautiful.  I'm a guy.

Sure, that might make sense looking

at the outside and only if you buy

into it.  But you are beautiful within.

So my insides are beautiful?

You know what I mean.

Aha! So you're still saying I'm ugly on

the outside.  Gotcha.

No, you're the one saying it. And I 

wish you'd stop it.  You're wife seems 

to like your outside so who are you to argue?

I feel stupid.

I'm not going over this again.  And before

you say it, you are not stupid.

I am weak. I should be strong.

Who isn't?  And you need to 

stop shoulding on yourself.

I am unwo....

Wait a minute.  I'm not finished.

You are stronger than you ever

imagined. You think it is normal,

but it is your inner strength that

your friends, your kids, your wife, your family and your

co workers tell you time and time again

they draw upon.  It's time to

start believing them.

Well, even so, I am unworthy.

Unworthy of what?

...

...

You know, I don't know.

Then why think that?

I am fat.  I am large. I am beautiful. I am handsome.

I am smart. I am weak. But I am also strong.

And....

I am worthy.

Duh.

Conversations in my head

Who are you?

I am the Jogging Clydesdale?

No, who are you?

I am Kevin.

No, who are you?

I am...me?

You just don't quite get it.

I don't understand.

WHO ARE YOU?

I am my wife's husband.

I am my children's father.

I am a son.

I am a brother.

I am a cousin.

I am...

Who are you?

I am you.  You are me.

What do you want?

I want health.

What do you want?

I want to not be fat.

What do you want?

I want to run. 

I want to scream.

I want to cry. I want to do.  I want to be.

I want to hide.  I want to be seen. 

I want to learn.  I want....

Yes?

I want to love.  I want to be loved.

By who?

By my family.  By my friends.

And?

I want to love myself.

Why?

Because hating myself hurts too much. 

There is no one crueler to me than me. 

I am at the mercy of my own self.

And I can be an angry, angry man.

Why?

Because I am scared.

Of what?

I don't know.

Me?

Yes.

Why?

You are the voice in my head that tells me I am no good.  

You are the thoughts that tell me I am ugly.  

You are the one who convinces me I am failing. 

You are my shame. 

You are my anger. 

You are my cruelty.

What are you going to do about it?

Forgive you.

What?

I forgive you. 

I don't know why you are so angry. You scare the crap out of me

every time I look in the mirror or close my eyes.  

But you cannot control me.

I forgive you.  I accept that you are a part of me.  

And by loving you first, maybe I will learn to finally

be me.

Morning thoughts

"I am brave enough to live the life I want and not the one I expect"

This is the thought I woke up to this morning. Which is odd considering that yesterday we were blindsided with the news that my wife did not get the job after all. It was a very stressful day and my heart broke for her. She did not take it well at all considering her former manager encouraged her to apply and made many references to how interested she was to hire my wife. I don't think it was done with malice. I think the manager was surprised when another employee applied who had more experience. I don't think she was expecting this particular scenario. But what a let down for my wife.

I've been trying very hard over the last two years or so to stop living from crisis to crisis. It's hard to do when, frankly, my life is a series of crises (ha). It's hard to view it as living from opportunity to opportunity. Yesterday could have put me in a real tailspin and I won't deny the fear and anxiety I felt. At the same time I knew that we had a plan that gets us through June financially and this unfortunate wrinkle doesn't change that plan. I decided that this was the universe's way of having my wife push her boundaries but still point out she's not yet ready for prime time. I am gladdened to no end that this manager still thought highly enough of my wife to invite her to apply. I have to remember these facts and not focus on the bad.

Anyway, I woke up with that thought on my mind and just wanted to share. I feel so incredibly empowered. I did not binge yesterday. To tell the truth, I was so stressed that I had lost my appetite. Still, when did appetite or lack thereof ever stop me from literally swallowing my emotions? I was clear headed enough last night to remember to live the life I wanted.

All my life I've heard people say I can do it if I just put my mind to it. I've always taken that to mean willpower wins over circumstance. What if "putting my mind to it" is less of a pounding hammer on nail and more ... searching for appropriate metaphor ... more of a gentle brook. Perhaps willpower isn't bending my will through the brute force of my psyche but instead a flowing stream looking for opportunities to erode the banks of my unwanted behaviors and breaking through to new places to flow where my behaviors are more healthy. And where it doesn't erode quickly is acceptable too. Just be open to the idea that it can happen; that it will happen eventually.

Ok, I'm getting a little deep for even me. I've said it often and also recently--my life is not an afterschool special. But I'm in a pretty good place right now. Soon this moment will be in the past and new situations will present themselves. I will do my best to remember that I was once in this place.

Glimpses

Several months ago, Karen from Before & After: A Real-Life Story left a comment that she thought we would all do better if we left the the whole war mentality behind when it came to our bodies and our selves. That has stuck with me even if I haven't always practiced it.

The notion that my fatness is something to fight is just so intuitive. Everything in me tells me that this weight loss, health gain thing is a battle. It is something I need to fight for; something I must struggle with and find the discipline to succeed. The problem is that in order for me to win, someone needs to lose...and I'm the only person in the game. I may end up at my goal weight and even regain my health, but I will still hate myself and my body for making go through the struggle.

Loving myself and accepting my body as it is...well, it's not intuitive. I don't know what it means. When I read "Love thyself, accept thyself" I get an image of hippies and flower power and trah la la and hugging trees. I get a feeling that I can only describe as unwarranted happiness. Love myself? Yeah. Right.

Today, however, I got a glimpse of what that might mean. And I'm struggling to put it into words.

I love my wife. It is the deepest, most abiding emotion I have ever experienced. When I think of her, I don't have images of hippies and puppies and trah la la. It is something visceral. It is something unconditional. It is something I give to her from some part of myself. And for a brief moment, the barest blink of an eye, I had the thought about what it would mean to give myself the same consideration and attention. And then it was gone.

I have been thinking about it all day. In that singular glimpse, I saw myself. And I was sad. Not angry. Not full of hate for myself. Just profoundly sad. How can I not have compassion for this man so beaten down by his own inner dialog?

Is this the magic bullet? Is this the epiphany that will turn it around? No, life isn't an after school special. I have a lot of work to do. I have 40 years of using the battle mentality to berate and discipline myself.

On Monday I made the decision to say something nice about myself every time I looked in the mirror. Today, as I got ready for work, I said to myself "I have a kind face and a nice smile."

It's a start.

And look where it took me today.

In brief

Struggling a bit today.  Feeling overwhelmed by the fact I am back to my heaviest (on record) and have needed to buy a new wardrobe.  It's been true for several weeks, but it is just hitting hard today.  Hard to not feel a failure. Hard to love myself in spite of my imperfections.  Hard to convince myself I am worthy.

These mind games are really putting a twist on me.

Therefore:

I acknowledge that these feelings exist and I declare that they have served their purpose:  they have informed me that something is wrong; there is an imbalance in my life.  I accept this, and I forgive myself for wallowing.  I am so worth it and I will never be perfect.  And I do love myself.

Even so, I am not too proud to say I could a couple of attaboys.

December 30th Resolution

I do not like New Year's resolutions and do not plan on making any.  Instead, I resolve to take Today as it is, leave Yesterday behind and let Tomorrow come as it may.  And I am likely to resolve tomorrow in the same manner.

I am really working on staying in the moment and accepting it as it is.  This past fall has been a nightmare and I'm tired of being mired in it.  I'm tired of fearing it will come back.  My wife is healthy today.  I am happy today.  My children are cared for today.  Of course,  today isn't all sunshine and lollipops and puppies and tuna & noodle casserole, but it is as it is and there is nothing I can do but work on how I react and accept this truth.

There is nothing that can be done about the past but to learn from it and there is nothing the future that we can know or can control.  Today is all we have, all that is manifest and it is gone the moment as we notice it. 

I have to get back to work.  Today's coffee break is over.

Happy December 30th everybody!!!