Several months ago, Karen from Before & After: A Real-Life Story left a comment that she thought we would all do better if we left the the whole war mentality behind when it came to our bodies and our selves. That has stuck with me even if I haven't always practiced it.
The notion that my fatness is something to fight is just so intuitive. Everything in me tells me that this weight loss, health gain thing is a battle. It is something I need to fight for; something I must struggle with and find the discipline to succeed. The problem is that in order for me to win, someone needs to lose...and I'm the only person in the game. I may end up at my goal weight and even regain my health, but I will still hate myself and my body for making go through the struggle.
Loving myself and accepting my body as it is...well, it's not intuitive. I don't know what it means. When I read "Love thyself, accept thyself" I get an image of hippies and flower power and trah la la and hugging trees. I get a feeling that I can only describe as unwarranted happiness. Love myself? Yeah. Right.
Today, however, I got a glimpse of what that might mean. And I'm struggling to put it into words.
I love my wife. It is the deepest, most abiding emotion I have ever experienced. When I think of her, I don't have images of hippies and puppies and trah la la. It is something visceral. It is something unconditional. It is something I give to her from some part of myself. And for a brief moment, the barest blink of an eye, I had the thought about what it would mean to give myself the same consideration and attention. And then it was gone.
I have been thinking about it all day. In that singular glimpse, I saw myself. And I was sad. Not angry. Not full of hate for myself. Just profoundly sad. How can I not have compassion for this man so beaten down by his own inner dialog?
Is this the magic bullet? Is this the epiphany that will turn it around? No, life isn't an after school special. I have a lot of work to do. I have 40 years of using the battle mentality to berate and discipline myself.
On Monday I made the decision to say something nice about myself every time I looked in the mirror. Today, as I got ready for work, I said to myself "I have a kind face and a nice smile."
It's a start.
And look where it took me today.
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And don't forget that Kevin McKidd will play you in your biopic!
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago, I asked my daughter, "Who is sweet and lovely?" She replied, "I am sweet and lovely." She wasn't boasting, but she is a truth-teller. When she gives you a compliment, you know it's not mere flattery. I wish I had that self-assurance.
I adore this and adore what S&S said above as well.
ReplyDeleteI know when Im feeling like SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT ROCKS?! and I can not find it in myself----my 5 year old always can for me.
xo
MizFit
I think you expressed it perfectly! And no, it doesn't happen once, and then we "get it" and don't ever have to think about it again. Like so many other things, it takes practice and we have to "get it" over and over again. I know I stopped practicing a little while ago and it caught it up to me for sure. Our awareness will take us where we need to go!
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