In Brief

• New blog: The Jogging Clydesdale 2.0

Thank you.

I've decided I'm putting the stable into an indefinite hiatus.

I just don't know what to write about anymore.  My musings have become much too private to share here. Working through this new understanding of myself with an eating disorder leaves me too raw to expose in this public space. My paper journal has become my preferred method of exploring and capturing the internal thoughts and struggles.

I don't want to close the stable doors. This blog has seen me through some traumatic times and I've made more than few friends because of it. But I don't know when I might feel like writing again in stable.  I just know that at this point in my life, it's not the right tool.

For my small readership that I've managed to build, thank you. Your encouragement over the years has been tremendous.  Follow me, if you want, at Twitter where I'm @clydesrun now.  I keep it private, but unless you're a spammer I pretty much allow anyone in. 

Thank you.

In Brief

I thought (and feared) "no restrictions" was going to mean "pig out city". But it really means freedom to choose for myself rather than chafe against an inflexible rule.

Big, Big Changes.

I am a bit blown away.

Today I received a phone call from the dietician from the "rapid weight loss" program at the hospital. She said that with my recent diagnoses of BED, the feel it best if I leave the program.  They felt that the program will not be helpful anymore and, indeed, could be quite harmful now that we know.  They were kind and supportive.  But it was a bit of a shock.

I am struggling to sort through these feelings.  I feel like a dropped hot potato.  I feel like they said "we can't help you anymore. Good luck."  I feel like I've been turned out to the wilderness.  I feel very much on my own right now.

It also drives home the reality of this disorder.  I liken it to a sprain versus a break.  I had first thought of this BED as a sprain.  As something that is there and needs to be acknowledged, but I could continue on by compensating like limping with a sprained ankle.  Instead, it feels now like broken ankle.  It cannot be ignored.  It can't be patched up or worked around.  It is serious.  It needs to be addressed and the weight loss program that has served me for so many years, offering support and understanding far beyond what I have shared here, can no longer help me.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

However...

The program is referring me to a dietician in private practice who specializes in eating disorders.  She's actually a dietician that was involved in the hospital's program when I first started and I really enjoyed working with her.  And I'm looking forward to talking with her again.

The hospital is letting me go as a graduate.  This means I can go back and take classes without formally rejoining and at a discounted price.  It also means I can buy supplements if I want without first going to class. So I'm not really turned out on my ear.  It just feels that way.

And I am mostly optimistic that I'm on the right track.

I just don't like change.