Big, Big Changes.

I am a bit blown away.

Today I received a phone call from the dietician from the "rapid weight loss" program at the hospital. She said that with my recent diagnoses of BED, the feel it best if I leave the program.  They felt that the program will not be helpful anymore and, indeed, could be quite harmful now that we know.  They were kind and supportive.  But it was a bit of a shock.

I am struggling to sort through these feelings.  I feel like a dropped hot potato.  I feel like they said "we can't help you anymore. Good luck."  I feel like I've been turned out to the wilderness.  I feel very much on my own right now.

It also drives home the reality of this disorder.  I liken it to a sprain versus a break.  I had first thought of this BED as a sprain.  As something that is there and needs to be acknowledged, but I could continue on by compensating like limping with a sprained ankle.  Instead, it feels now like broken ankle.  It cannot be ignored.  It can't be patched up or worked around.  It is serious.  It needs to be addressed and the weight loss program that has served me for so many years, offering support and understanding far beyond what I have shared here, can no longer help me.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

However...

The program is referring me to a dietician in private practice who specializes in eating disorders.  She's actually a dietician that was involved in the hospital's program when I first started and I really enjoyed working with her.  And I'm looking forward to talking with her again.

The hospital is letting me go as a graduate.  This means I can go back and take classes without formally rejoining and at a discounted price.  It also means I can buy supplements if I want without first going to class. So I'm not really turned out on my ear.  It just feels that way.

And I am mostly optimistic that I'm on the right track.

I just don't like change.