Not a Monster..., but Something Broken

I've been trying to put into words the feelings I've had over the last few days.  It isn't as simple as saying I'm angry.  But I am. And relieved. And frustrated.  And calm. And...

I've been working with a therapist for several years now.  This should not be a surprise to any regular reader here at the stable.  Recently we've been working through a book, Binge No More by Joyce D. Nash  . 

Binge Eating Disorder.  Think Bulimia without the purging.  Think uncontrollable urges to eat accompanied by disordered thoughts about food, about self and, frankly, about life.

It's been in the peer reviewed literature for DECADES.  This book was written in 1999! Ms Nash's book makes that clear with her multitude of references.  Indeed, the first section of the book reads more like a research article than a self help book.

And will be included in the DSM-V as it's own entry rather than a subclinical version of other eating disorders.

And I've got it.  More than that, I seem to have a sub-set of presentations to be diagnosed with Night Eating Syndrome, which was first described in 1955.

I'm angry.  Do you think that any of the doctors, shrinks, therapists, nutritionists, and whoever I've been seeing have ever thought to explore that avenue? Even after I've described the symptoms?

Nope.

I've not been diagnosed by anyone in a position to declare such a thing.  But I meet all the criteria as outlined in several of the articles I've read.  And this isn't a matter of someone poking through the interwebs and discovering he has every disease and malady ever known to man.  I meet every criteria outlined in the book, in the DSM-V, the Mayo Clinic site and the WebMD.  It all fits, like finally finding the last piece of the puzzle.To what degree, I don't know.  My actual binging may be subclinical and not rise to a full diagnosis.  But I most certainly have this disorder.

(now watch for the future post where I eat crow and back pedal....nevertheless, I move on to my self righteousness)


My wife says I shouldn't be this put out.  She's worked in the medical field for 15 years and she's never heard of it.  So perhaps I am overreacting.  But I won't invalidate my feelings.

After years and years and years of thinking I simply lacked motivation and will power, I discover that I have a bona fide disorder.  No different than people with OCD or phobias.  And that my approach to weight loss these last 4 years were designed for failure for people with this disorder..

Grrrrrrr!

Hell, last night, even though I knew, I KNEW, I was having a compulsion to eat and that is was born out of my disordered thinking...that compulsion was TOO GREAT to overcome.  And I ate.

But...now I know.  Now I have a better understanding of what I'm up against.  It's not just a matter of changing habits or loving myself, or having will power, or improving my self esteem.  It's all of that plus a behavior disorder clinically studied and predictable.

Am I going to use this as a crutch and say To hell with it I'll always be fat?  Oh no. No No No.  This is why I am also relieved.  I have a different strategy now.  I know what is against me.  Left Hand Guy was never the issue.  Well, never the whole issue.

It's something buried deeper than the LHG.  Not a monster to be slain, but something broken to be healed.