I am tired...
...of being fat.
...of dieting.
...of coming here to the stable, pissing and moaning about how I'm tired of being fat.
...of coming here to the stable and having some remarkable insights that never seem to translate to lasting understanding.
...of my clothes not fitting.
...of the constant reminder that perhaps I shouldn't have gotten rid of my larger clothes.
...of being so overwhelmed by emotions that sometimes the only, ONLY, way I know how to deal with it is to fall back to my tried and true coping skill of eating, eating, eating.
...of being intellectually able to understand my position, but of being too emotionally stunted to deal with it.
...of still being too large to accomplish some of my running goals such as: running without fear that my heart won't give, my knees won't grind, my ankles won't snap.
...of hating myself when I look in the mirror, no matter how much I try to extend that reflection love and understanding.
...of shakes and bars and portion control and tracking and thinking about food all the time but instead of thinking what I'm going to eat next I'm thinking of when I will fuck up.
...of fucking up.
...of shame.
...of hiding.
...of regret.
...of denial.
...of worrying about my wife, my kids, my job, my staff, my finances, my church, myself.
...of me.
I am just tired.
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