Conversations in my head

You've had a rough new year.

Oh crap.
I don't have time
for you right now.

You got me wrong, dude.
I'm not here to give you a hard time.

Really?

Yeah.  You're not the only one changing.
Don't get me wrong.  I'm still gonna be there
making your life miserable as much as I can.
But for now, I'm telling you, you get a pass.

I don't trust you.

Dude, I don't expect you to, but
we're all rooting for you.

All?

Yeah.  Thin Me is here and Fat Me too.

Thin Me: Hey.

Fat Me: Hiya.

Hey guys.

I'm still confused.

Look.  We've been watching you and...

Thin Me: Hey before we get going here, we
gotta give you a name.

Fat me: How about Left Hand Guy?

Left Hand Guy: I can live with that.
As I was saying, we've been watching you.

FM: You're changing.

TM: You're growing.

FM: No fat jokes! Oh, I get what
you're saying. Never mind.

LHG: And whether we like it or not, we're along for the ride

I still don't understand.
What are you doing here?

Why are you all talking to me?

FM: Well, first off, it sounds like you need some help.
My job would have been to feed you food.  But...

TM: I've been able to talk him out of it, for the most part.

FM: And I've been listening to TM.

LHG: And I just don't have the heart to kick a man when
he's down.  Well, actually I do, but these other
two have been keeping me in check.

Ok. Sure. Life has been stressful. I appreciate

the break guys, but...
this is a little crazy.
Even for me.

ALL: But we heard what you said, Kevin.

What?

FM: To the mirror.

TM: When you usually say to yourself, that
you have kind eyes.

LHG: But tonight you said...

You have sad eyes.

LHG: Yes.

TM: And we just thought...

FM: That you needed a hug.

Ok.  This is really getting weird.

Did I take my pills this morning?

FM: You really don't get it do you?

LHG: You're the one who said that we are ME.

Yeah, but...

TM: There is no but.  Whether you like it or not
we are US, we are WE. And
you're getting a reprieve.

LHG: And I have to tell you, I'm surprised with you.

Why?

LHG: Because FM has been knocking at your door
for two weeks and you've not given him a lot of  face time.

FM: I don't mind.  Actually I think it's a good thing.
I just wanted to let you know I was there if you
needed me.

Um. Thanks?

FM: No probs.

LHG: And you've been ignoring me, except
for that whole fear of financial ruin thing.  I admit that
was low, even for me.

TM: LHG, you really are a jerk.

LHG: I know, but we're not here to talk about me.
We're here to talk about ME.

But, how are we gonna give us a hug?

TM: It's a metaphor, dum dum.

LHG: Oooo there's something I want to say here,
but I'll hold our tongue.

FM: I wish I had brought ice cream.

TM: Well, that's our cue.  Time for us to go.

Really? I was just getting getting used

to the fact that we were talking to us.

LHG:  All the better to stop before people
start thinking you're strange in the head.

FM:  Rocky Road, Cookie Dough.  Ooo, I know, Butter Brickle.

TM: We gotta go.

FM: I'll be here if you need me, but I don't
think you will.

LHG: And remember, I'll be back, and
I'm still a jerk.  But if you can change,
I'm only going to change with you.

TM: He doesn't really have a choice.

FM: None of us do.  You're the one in driver's seat.

ALL: And let your eyes be sad. Sad is not bad.

Ok guys.  I'm not sure what to say.

ALL: Don't worry about it.

Giving Up Hope (in order to gain even more)

I've come across a quote quite a lot over the last year.  It varies in its composition and who it's attributed to, but the essence is always the same:

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a different past.

I like it.

It's simple to imagine but so difficult to live by.  But really, I don't think it goes far enough. There is a lot that means giving up all hope for a different past.

Living in the present means giving up all hope for a different past.

Moving forward means giving up all hope for a different past.

Accepting the past means giving up all hope for a different past.

Loving myself means giving up all hope for a different past.

Letting go means finally giving up all hope for a different past.

It is so difficult to let go of ancient hurts and aging anger.  Somehow if one does, one gets the feeling that one is letting the other off the hook.  Even if the one and the other are the same person.   Especially if the one and the other are the same person.

I'm finding it easier, though, as I continue this journey, to find ways to practice this.  While my last post may not be the best example, the truth is that once I wrote it out, I let it go.  Christmas 2011 is in the past and I cannot possibly hope that I will do anything different.I know the past/present/future tenses can get rather convoluted. But as I sit here contemplating not just last weekend but the whole of 2011, I can't think of anything so infused with such simple truth. 

I don't think much of New Years Resolutions, so here is my resolve to accept my past:

With all my faults, 
with all my health problems, with my weight and fat, 

with my weakness, with my failures, 
with all that works to hold me back...
to finally accept all of this as part of myself
and to forgive
and to let go
and to live in the now
and to move forward
and to love myself

means giving up all hope for a different past.

In this way, I do indeed give up.

And giving up hope for the past allows me to hope for the present

and the future.

Happy New Year everyone. 

Let's all let go of the old year, m'kay?

Choosing Reflections

I stand before the mirror and I
See my large belly. I
See my flabby neck. I
See the sadness in my eyes. I
See the fat hanging from my
Frame, from my
Thighs.

I see my
Legs unable to run under
The weight and strain.  I see
My back full of aches, unable
To bend without pain. I see
My arms, with hanging skin underneath. I see my shoulders, slumped and broken
By life's burdens.

I see my face full of
Weakness.
Failure.
Shame.

I see all that I hate
About myself.

I stand before the mirror and I

See legs that hold me

Up like steel pillars. I 

See a back, strong

And proud.  I see

Arms with the strength

To work, the gentleness

To hug my daughters and to

Hold my wife when she is sad.

Or scared.

I see my shoulders, steady

And broad, ready to carry

The weight of life's burdens

for me. And for my family.

And I see my belly

As it wobbles and jiggles

And wiggles and bobbles

When I laugh after wrestling my

Son to the floor, both of us doubled

Over in our glee.

I see my face, proud and secure

In knowing my true worth.

And I look into my eyes, and I

See kindness. I 

See forgiveness. I

See intelligence.

I see Myself.

Something positive, something negative

Image provided by FreeFoto.com

I am really struggling with this post.  I want to share a nascent change I've noticed in the last month.  I just don't know how to do it without giving a lot of backstory.  There's just so much to tell.  I'll try to keep it simple.


I recently shared about a financial situation that blindsided us.  Indeed, what I shared was rather negative.  And I can't stand here and tell you I faced that situation with complete happy optimism.  But I worked hard to keep a positive perspective.

Instead of thinking, "my god I have to put this on a cc and woe is me forever", I turned it to "thank god my credit limit is high enough that I can make this gap stop measure and get some breathing room before the next decision."  Instead of focusing on "there is nothing to be done, there is no help for us," I found myself open to the overtures of two CPAs who attend our church willing to sit down and go through our options.  And instead of thinking "I can't sit with them...then they'll know how ignorant I am when it comes to money," I thought "they are the experts; I can learn something here."


It wasn't easy, but I remained open to the chance that positive things could happen for us.  Indeed, I kept telling myself that positive things would happen to us even though I didn't always fully believe it.  Things turned out...ok.  None of the options available to us for absorbing this debt were any better than the cc.  Indeed, the current rate on this card is actually the lowest available to us, so the accountant friends gave it their blessing to keep it there until something else changes in our situation.

And now, on to the rest of the post....

Perhaps it is as simple as this: what you tell yourself to expect, that is what you find.  In everything. In your flaws, in your relationships, in your job, in your faith, in your finances.  Everything.  That is the power of Affirmations.  Whether that affirmation is positive or negative, it will have a profound effect on your responses to everything you encounter in life.

And that is the change I have found in myself.  I am floored how easily I calmed down after the initial shock.  I am shocked at how pervasive this new attitude is.  I do have a long way to go.  I have taken great strides in affirming myself as the great guy I knew I could be.  I have gone a long way to accepting that life will be painful, but positive opportunities will present themselves if I'm looking for them.

There is one place I still struggle with, though.  I hate my body.  I loathe it.  Right now my belly is so large and I feel so bloated.  I can't bend over to tie my shoes without holding my breath.  I struggle to get out of the sofa. I can feel the constraints of my clothing all day long.  I can accept my inner self so much easier than my physical self. I find myself thinking that maybe if I trick myself with faking positive affirmation thing as it concerns my body and it will respond even though deep down I hate it.  But it's not going to work.  As long as I affirm that I hate my physical self, my mental self will continue to abuse it and treat it as if were truly unworthy.

I love my fat self in as much as I have compassion for how I got this way--that I have used food to protect and soothe my emotions and that I am not a failure...but that is as far as I can get.  The flesh is much harder to love than the hurting person inside the flesh.

I have come a long way, my friends; but I have so much farther to go.  Thank you all for coming this far.

Looking back, briefly

I spent part of the afternoon today perusing my older, now defunct blog Amish Guitar. It was a fun little blog where I journaled about teaching myself how to play guitar after reaching the ripe old age of 36. I still wish sometimes that I had kept at it...but I just came to the point where I didn't feel like I had anything more to say.

What struck me today is a certain post I wrote called "After School Special." Apparently the after school special metaphor resonates with me. Anyway, it's a post about learning to be comfortable with my own progress as a guitarist, pushing myself to learn and grow and to not compare my skills with more experienced and talented musicians. Then I read this little gem:

See, the after school specials were right. Most things in life can't be judged against the accomplishments of others even though we often live our lives like we should account for ourselves that way. No, the accomplishments of others can inspire, inform, and encourage us. But our true test is how we judge ourselves against that ideal person we hope to be someday. What we forget is that we need to give ourselves a chance to grow into that person and take pride in the small achievements just as must as the larger ones.

What struck me is that this is equally true when I judge myself against myself. Despite my best efforts, I've been deriding myself for getting heavy again.  I've been comparing myself to my 38 year old self when I dropped 65 pounds.  I struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment and truly wonder at my younger self's ability to have accomplished his goals.  I've been judging myself against those accomplishments.  I am judging against that ideal person I was and not the ideal person I know I will be someday.

I am not that same man anymore.  Younger Kevin's life was quite different than mine is now.  And I can't keep comparing myself to who I was.  I can only be who I am right here, right now.  And I've made, I think, remarkable progress in the last 6 months in becoming more and more comfortable with accepting myself as I find myself.  Every morning I strive to wake up and be okay with my situation, both my weight & health, but also all the things in my life that bring difficulty. 

Young Kevin can and does inspire me.  What I've learned about health and weight loss informs the decisions I make today.  And I am encouraged that I did it once and I can do it again.

One thing that Young Kevin did not have was an real understanding about how his emotions are so tightly woven into his eating habits--and how to deal with those emotions, how to work through the underlying emotional problems.  I am beginning to learn what emotional eating means and coping skills to deal with those moments.  And I am learning how to accept those uncomfortable emotions that I would try to avoid or heal with food.  I am learning to love myself and accept myself with all my flaws.

I wrote some weeks ago about waking up, looking in the mirror and say to myself "I have kind eyes." I still do that.  It makes all the difference in the world in how I approach my day and how I feel about myself. I am becoming that ideal person I know I will be.