Something positive, something negative

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I am really struggling with this post.  I want to share a nascent change I've noticed in the last month.  I just don't know how to do it without giving a lot of backstory.  There's just so much to tell.  I'll try to keep it simple.


I recently shared about a financial situation that blindsided us.  Indeed, what I shared was rather negative.  And I can't stand here and tell you I faced that situation with complete happy optimism.  But I worked hard to keep a positive perspective.

Instead of thinking, "my god I have to put this on a cc and woe is me forever", I turned it to "thank god my credit limit is high enough that I can make this gap stop measure and get some breathing room before the next decision."  Instead of focusing on "there is nothing to be done, there is no help for us," I found myself open to the overtures of two CPAs who attend our church willing to sit down and go through our options.  And instead of thinking "I can't sit with them...then they'll know how ignorant I am when it comes to money," I thought "they are the experts; I can learn something here."


It wasn't easy, but I remained open to the chance that positive things could happen for us.  Indeed, I kept telling myself that positive things would happen to us even though I didn't always fully believe it.  Things turned out...ok.  None of the options available to us for absorbing this debt were any better than the cc.  Indeed, the current rate on this card is actually the lowest available to us, so the accountant friends gave it their blessing to keep it there until something else changes in our situation.

And now, on to the rest of the post....

Perhaps it is as simple as this: what you tell yourself to expect, that is what you find.  In everything. In your flaws, in your relationships, in your job, in your faith, in your finances.  Everything.  That is the power of Affirmations.  Whether that affirmation is positive or negative, it will have a profound effect on your responses to everything you encounter in life.

And that is the change I have found in myself.  I am floored how easily I calmed down after the initial shock.  I am shocked at how pervasive this new attitude is.  I do have a long way to go.  I have taken great strides in affirming myself as the great guy I knew I could be.  I have gone a long way to accepting that life will be painful, but positive opportunities will present themselves if I'm looking for them.

There is one place I still struggle with, though.  I hate my body.  I loathe it.  Right now my belly is so large and I feel so bloated.  I can't bend over to tie my shoes without holding my breath.  I struggle to get out of the sofa. I can feel the constraints of my clothing all day long.  I can accept my inner self so much easier than my physical self. I find myself thinking that maybe if I trick myself with faking positive affirmation thing as it concerns my body and it will respond even though deep down I hate it.  But it's not going to work.  As long as I affirm that I hate my physical self, my mental self will continue to abuse it and treat it as if were truly unworthy.

I love my fat self in as much as I have compassion for how I got this way--that I have used food to protect and soothe my emotions and that I am not a failure...but that is as far as I can get.  The flesh is much harder to love than the hurting person inside the flesh.

I have come a long way, my friends; but I have so much farther to go.  Thank you all for coming this far.