Looking back, briefly

I spent part of the afternoon today perusing my older, now defunct blog Amish Guitar. It was a fun little blog where I journaled about teaching myself how to play guitar after reaching the ripe old age of 36. I still wish sometimes that I had kept at it...but I just came to the point where I didn't feel like I had anything more to say.

What struck me today is a certain post I wrote called "After School Special." Apparently the after school special metaphor resonates with me. Anyway, it's a post about learning to be comfortable with my own progress as a guitarist, pushing myself to learn and grow and to not compare my skills with more experienced and talented musicians. Then I read this little gem:

See, the after school specials were right. Most things in life can't be judged against the accomplishments of others even though we often live our lives like we should account for ourselves that way. No, the accomplishments of others can inspire, inform, and encourage us. But our true test is how we judge ourselves against that ideal person we hope to be someday. What we forget is that we need to give ourselves a chance to grow into that person and take pride in the small achievements just as must as the larger ones.

What struck me is that this is equally true when I judge myself against myself. Despite my best efforts, I've been deriding myself for getting heavy again.  I've been comparing myself to my 38 year old self when I dropped 65 pounds.  I struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment and truly wonder at my younger self's ability to have accomplished his goals.  I've been judging myself against those accomplishments.  I am judging against that ideal person I was and not the ideal person I know I will be someday.

I am not that same man anymore.  Younger Kevin's life was quite different than mine is now.  And I can't keep comparing myself to who I was.  I can only be who I am right here, right now.  And I've made, I think, remarkable progress in the last 6 months in becoming more and more comfortable with accepting myself as I find myself.  Every morning I strive to wake up and be okay with my situation, both my weight & health, but also all the things in my life that bring difficulty. 

Young Kevin can and does inspire me.  What I've learned about health and weight loss informs the decisions I make today.  And I am encouraged that I did it once and I can do it again.

One thing that Young Kevin did not have was an real understanding about how his emotions are so tightly woven into his eating habits--and how to deal with those emotions, how to work through the underlying emotional problems.  I am beginning to learn what emotional eating means and coping skills to deal with those moments.  And I am learning how to accept those uncomfortable emotions that I would try to avoid or heal with food.  I am learning to love myself and accept myself with all my flaws.

I wrote some weeks ago about waking up, looking in the mirror and say to myself "I have kind eyes." I still do that.  It makes all the difference in the world in how I approach my day and how I feel about myself. I am becoming that ideal person I know I will be.