Choosing Reflections

I stand before the mirror and I
See my large belly. I
See my flabby neck. I
See the sadness in my eyes. I
See the fat hanging from my
Frame, from my
Thighs.

I see my
Legs unable to run under
The weight and strain.  I see
My back full of aches, unable
To bend without pain. I see
My arms, with hanging skin underneath. I see my shoulders, slumped and broken
By life's burdens.

I see my face full of
Weakness.
Failure.
Shame.

I see all that I hate
About myself.

I stand before the mirror and I

See legs that hold me

Up like steel pillars. I 

See a back, strong

And proud.  I see

Arms with the strength

To work, the gentleness

To hug my daughters and to

Hold my wife when she is sad.

Or scared.

I see my shoulders, steady

And broad, ready to carry

The weight of life's burdens

for me. And for my family.

And I see my belly

As it wobbles and jiggles

And wiggles and bobbles

When I laugh after wrestling my

Son to the floor, both of us doubled

Over in our glee.

I see my face, proud and secure

In knowing my true worth.

And I look into my eyes, and I

See kindness. I 

See forgiveness. I

See intelligence.

I see Myself.

Delicous Cores

So there's this blog post by Joy Tanksley called How to get what you really want that I read.  It was suggested by my friend Karen C. L. Anderson at Before and After in a link she posted to Facebook about a month ago.  Before I go any further, if you haven't visited either of these fine bloggers, do so.  I don't follow Joy as consistently as I do Karen, but both are thought provoking and inspiring authors worthy of your time. (and if the links aren't underlined, run your cursor over this paragraph to find them.  I don't know why the underlines don't show up half the time.)

So anyway, Joy wrote this article.  The upshot is to find what I really want through an exercise of asking why.  For example, I want to lose weight.  Why? Because I want to be healthy. Why? And so on and so on.  Eventually I should get to the heart of my desire, what Joy calls the delicious core.  It's a good exercise that I've done in various forms over the years.  The problem is I always get stuck on the shoulds.

When I start the exercise, I begin with "I want to lose weight."  Why? "Because I should." Why? "Because I should." Well....why? "Because I should."

See the problem?

I should want to be thinner, to be healthier, but I have no reason for why I should.  And "should" isn't enough.

So.  What do I want? I want to wear regular sized clothes.  I want to be able to bend over without losing my breath.  I want to run. I want to look in the mirror and feel good about myself.  I want to be free of food's icy grip.  I want to let food go.  I want to stop feeling shame about every bite that goes in to my mouth.  I want feet that don't hurt. I want knees that don't ache. I want to be happy.

...and there it is. My delicious core.

I may not get there by asking why.  But I know that is my answer.  When I ask myself why I want to be happy, the answer isn't "because I should." The answer is because that is what I want.

The exercise would have me go on to find ways that I could experience my delicious core.  But I have no idea how to be happy.  Oh I know how to fake it.  But is happiness something you can create? For 41 years, those times I experience happiness is because, for that moment in time, I'm happy.  It just happens.  Either I am or I'm not.  And, mostly, I'm not.

How does one create happiness?

I think that a lot of answers I'm seeking for the many things in my life and the many things I blog about are in the answer to that question.

Update

I've not been able to post lately.  Partly due to life, partly due to avoidance.

I have a new job.  That is, I've accepted a position in my library's administration office on a half time basis through May, but I'm still overseeing my branch library on a half time basis as well.  So, I am on a huge learning curve, splitting my time between two jobs and doing neither very well.  But the temporary position may very well lead to a permanent position that I've been working towards for many years now.

My wife continues to improve, and I find myself crashing because of it.  For the last 5 months, I've needed to be rather vigilant in her care.  Now that this chapter is closing, I am having to redefine my role again.  This is not a bad thing, but even good change can leave me stressed and lost.

I am not following any of my plans.  But I do not see this as a backslide.  It is a moment of my life where I have decided to make other things a focus in my life.  I am mindful of what I eat and I note when I am overeating, but I'm not as careful as I could be.  I do use my hard earned skills at regulating emotional eating when I am aware, but for now it is far simpler to eat what everyone else is eating.  And with our current income, that means some protein, veggies and a lot of pasta.

I am exhausted but excited as well.  I am doing my best to keep it together.  For now, that is all I can do.