Stop

Stop.

That's all the text message said.

It came from my daughter, 12 years old.  And I didn't quite understand what she meant.  She was upset that I wouldn't let her bake cookies at 10 o'clock in the evening.  I figured that's why she stormed off to the basement as I made myself a snack.  I could hear her whimpering. 

Stop snacking. Stop going off your diet.

Did not see that one coming.

What followed is much too private to share here verbatim.  I will say that she and I had a back and forth, via text, in which she shared her fears about me, about my health and well being.  And in those 160 characters, those fears were visceral.  The fact that she needed to  physically remove herself from me in order to confront me also spoke volumes.

I was humbled.

Twelve years old.

That was Wednesday.  And the texts are still haunting me.  I've saved them on my phone and have already gone back to them a few times to reflect when I needed guidance; when I needed strength.



I shared the texts with my wife.  She says that all three of the kids feel the same way; that they talk to her about their fears for me.  That they struggle to see me make clearly bad choices.  And that they are profoundly sad when they talk to her.

I tried to respond with reason.  The snack I had that night was 2 string cheese sticks and a slice of bread--all within my protein and carb count for the day.  I tried to respond with a plea for understanding.  I've been this way a long time--I can't turn on a dime.  It's going to take time.  I tried to respond by illuminating my humanness--sometimes I am simply just weak willed.

It doesn't matter.  Each time they see their dad eat off program, they see their dad slowly killing himself.  And their love and care for me goes so deep that they need to go to the basement, cry and send a text message that says Stop.

And I am heartbroken.

The price of rain

My soul is tired.

I have done my best this year to keep it together, and keep it together I have.  But at a cost. It is a price I was willing to pay for my wife’s health and my children’s well being.  I would gladly pay it again.  I have no buyer’s remorse.

That price is my own well being.  Now that the crisis is over, I find myself falling. Failing. Tearing. My soul is tired, my head is heavy, and my heart is sad.  I am feeling the weight of my depression pushing down.

And so I eat.   

And I eat.

And I know it is counterproductive.

I know I will hate myself in the morning. Or in the next hour.  Or right now.

Last evening I overate just on this side of a binge.  I made conscious decisions to eat.  It wasn’t mindlessly done.  It was purposefully done.  And the right hand guy would ask “why?” and the left hand guy would say “who gives a fuck?”

And at that precise moment, for that half hour of carb induced inebriation, the right hand guy answered:

“No one.” 

Today, in the light of the day, I know I am not alone. But it often feels that way.

And right now I am not strong enough to keep it together.

Minot, ND

Posted by KX News Minot on Facebook-no infringement intended

I've just returned from my in-laws in Minot, ND.  They live well out of the city and are not directly affected by the flood, but I learned last evening that they are under the boil-order.  We left a day earlier than planned as the flood was threatening to cut off our route to the east.  There was a way to get around the city to the west, but it involved using the only north-south corridor open, and there was no need to add traffic to an already overloaded infrastructure.  The flood is bad, worse than can be expressed in a national news clip.  My in-laws and all the residents of that region are in my thoughts.

I have some other thoughts about food-diet-health-weightloss that I've been pondering since my last post, but I'll leave it until another time.

It's Official

It's Official.

I am too fat for Wal-Mart.

NOTHING in my size.

Shit.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I've alluded in the past that my wife is sick.  She's not been able to work since the very end of July.  Today we found out that if she doesn't return by this Friday, she will lose her position.  If she's not back by October 24, she'll be let go entirely.

There is a treatment for what ails her.  We've been waiting 2 weeks for treatment to start.  But a medication that is needed is in short supply nationwide.  So we keep getting told next week.  Always next week.  If she had started two weeks ago, it is very likely she'd be back in shape by the 24th.  Now.....

Stripped to the bone, my salary can cover our mortgage, bills and expenses.  But if I need to pick up her insurance, since she covers the kids as well, there is no way we can make it.  I'll be half a grand short every month.

OMG.  I know this is supposed to be a running blog or a weight loss blog.  But the stress I am experiencing is overwhelming.  I want to eat everything in sight.  The only thing stopping me is knowing I can't afford to.

Thanks for listening.