My soul is tired.
I have done my best this year to keep it together, and keep
it together I have. But at a cost. It is a price I was willing to pay for my wife’s health and
my children’s well being. I would gladly
pay it again. I have no buyer’s remorse.
That price is my own well being. Now that the crisis is over, I find myself falling.
Failing. Tearing. My soul is tired, my head is heavy, and my heart is sad. I am feeling the weight of my depression
pushing down.
And so I eat.
And I
eat.
And I know it is counterproductive.
I know I will hate myself in the morning. Or in the next
hour. Or right now.
Last evening I overate just on this side of a binge. I made conscious decisions to eat. It wasn’t mindlessly done. It was purposefully done. And the right hand guy would ask “why?” and
the left hand guy would say “who gives a fuck?”
And at that precise moment, for that half hour of carb
induced inebriation, the right hand guy answered:
“No one.”
Today, in the light of the day, I know I am not alone. But it often feels that way.
And right now I am not strong enough to keep it together.
And right now I am not strong enough to keep it together.
I wish I knew what to say. All I can say is that I hear you. And we're listening.
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda. Often it's getting things like this off my mind and on to "paper" that helps me to move on. Moreso when I know I've been understood by another.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow will be a new day and hopefully a brighter one.
I do understand and I give a fuck. And you know what? I still binge, every once in a while. I don't know when it happened, but at some point I decided to give myself permission...I understood that it was something that I needed to do sometimes. And each and every time it happens, I learn a little bit more about myself. I binge, mindfully. And as a result, I do it a lot less and I catch myself a lot sooner when I do binge. And I tend to binge on healthier foods. And I am okay. And I've lost weight. And I've become healthier in body, mind, and spirit.
ReplyDeleteThank you Karen. I'm working on giving myself the same permission and understanding. It just seems like each time I come close, my emotional mind will blindside me. Last evening was depression, my ancient friend and foe.
ReplyDeleteI care! I'm just too embarrassed to say Eff on the internet. :)
ReplyDeleteYou matter.
Thank you S&S. When my son was 2 and picked up the word from his uncle, we taught him to say fart monkey instead.
ReplyDelete