A Dip in the Sidewalk

So, I was going to write this post about how well things are going. How much things have changed since my life settled down and the new medication actually worked.  How I spent some time going through the blogs of others and found such inspiration.  I was going to write about change and, at the same time, change the layout of The Jogging Clydesdale as a some sort of symbolic representation of this "change".

I was going to, but then I wrote this one.

Today has been tough.  The girls had friends over last night and most of today. There was pizza. There was chips. And dip.  Did I mention the dip? And there was chips.  And doughnuts. And Bismarcks with cream filling. And I ate myself sick.  I am literally nauseous right now, tasting the burps of bbq potato chips. And dip.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to sweep a finger along the bottom and sides of a mostly empty chip dip container to get the last teaspoon of that sour cream goodness.  Please?

So, today wasn't a good day.

But this much has changed.

I am depressed this evening about my choices. But I'm not ashamed.  I know that I am human and can take only so much temptation. And dip.

I'm walking again, 2-3 times a week. And I'm trying to use the stationary bike the nights I don't walk.  And I did visit so many of the blogs I used to read for inspiration but had gotten out of the habit once my depression had really set in.  I am inspired by so many people who have walked down this road before.

I can feel a change just around the corner.

Today I've merely stumbled on a crack in the sidewalk.

And landed in the dip.

What kept me up last night (among other things)

It's been a long while since I left a post.  And I got some things on my mind that I'll be writing about soon.  Personal type things about where I find myself right now.

But for now, I just want to ask a question.  Given the millions if not billions spent by companies and advertisers to research human psychology and use that knowledge to influence us to buy crap we don't need, food that isn't healthy,  body images that are unrealistic  . . . why hasn't anyone found a way to use that knowledge to counter that influence? Use that power to influence healthy choices?  In other words, if I accept that I can be influenced to make choices that are not necessarily in my favor, why can't I use the same methods to be influenced to make good choices?

Yeah. I know.  There's no money in it.

My dander is up

I came across a blog post, actually a comment on a blog post, that's got me rather worked up. I'll not link to either the blog or the comment simply because the author, who addressed it in another post, did not address the commenter by name. I don't know how much of a splash on the blogosphere the author would want to make. I know some of you also read her blog so you may know what I'm talking about.

The author had posted about her frustration and depression about not progressing in her weight loss. The commenter replied along the lines of exhorting her to "keep in mind how her lows affect her husband." The commenter then went on say that she needs to remember her outlook affects others and asked if she frustrates them or makes them smile.

Really? This is helpful?

I got into this emotional mess by swallowing my feelings so as to not upset others. Like most boys, I learned not to cry, not to complain, not to upset others. Put the feelings of others before your own was my upbringing. Well, just how far can I stuff my emotions down before they affect me in other ways?

The commenter really hit a sore spot and then some. Don't upset your husband? WTF? Do people really still think this way? Fuck that. I don't know where I would be without my wife helping me navigate my emotional waters. I do know she would be dead if I had refused to take on her trials alongside. For better or for worse, not for better and what's best for Him.

I followed the commenter to his own blog. On that same day he wrote asking why some people are unhappy all the time and if they would just focus on the good and count their blessing, they would be happy. Has he never dealt with depression and mental illness, if not in his own life then in the life of a loved one?

So, dear readers, I tell you this: You are the most important person in your life. You do not need to surrender your Self to appease others. Complain on your blog if you want to (I'll no longer be afraid to complain on mine). Sure, it's ok to be aware how you affect others, but don't let it stop you from doing what you need to do for YOU.

Taking care of yourself first is the only way to even begin taking care of those you love.

Angry

I am so angry.  With myself.  Since I needed to drop out of the program at the hospital, I've been winging it.  I've had my good days and my bad days.  Yesterday I thought was one of my rather good days.  It wasn't.

Several people have been encouraging me to get on Sparkpeople and check out what that site has to offer. To be honest, the site is just too busy visually for me to feel comfortable using it.  It's like visual claustrophobia.  That said, I did find my way to the nutritional section and I decided to plug in everything I ate yesterday.  Now, I thought I had done real well.  Portion control, guessed at my calories, my grams of carbs and proteins.  I thought I had consumed about 1500 calories.  Well, after I plugged in my foods, I found I had consumed more than twice that.

OMG, I've been on this journey for more than 2 years and I still don't have clue as to how much I am eating in terms of calories consumed.  I am terrified of eating today for fear of going overboard.  I don't want to use Sparkpeople's meal plans as I simply can't afford the diverse shopping list it would require for me, and then the normal shopping for the rest of the family.  Portion control is pretty much what I'm limited to, though choices of lean proteins and complex carbs can always play a role.