Crashing

There are so many things in my head. I'm trying to make some sense of it all.  I've had some incredible successes this month, and some spectacular ... I was going to say failures, but that isn't quite the word.  Regressions?

I cracked the 290 lbs glass floor.  You all know this.  I posted the pic.  That came after a week of hard focus and work.  Of course, I took that pic after a run and before my evening meal, so I knew the moment was fleeting...but it was there.  And the work and focus of that week, though hard, was also at the same time so effortless.  I could not figure out why things were working out so well for me.  Had the stars and planets aligned?  Was I finally breaking through this months long plateau?  I had to figure it out so I could keep doing whatever it was that I was doing that was working so well.

Remarkably, Karen C. L. Anderson over at Before and After had shared a post that week examining why it's been so difficult for her to get back into the routine of exercising.  She wrote:

And I realized something: even though I know I don't like plans and programs and goals, that is exactly what was holding me back. I was resisting exercise because I was associating it with plans and programs and goals and other "measurables" like losing weight or inches or running a 5K, and then a 10K and so on. --KCLAnderson, Starting from a New Scratch (used with permission)

And when I read it, I had one of those grok moments by turning that paragraph on it's head a bit.   It was working because I wanted to do it, not because I was working toward any preset goal.  I was running, because I wanted to.  I was on program, because I wanted to.  I kept from snacking because I wanted to not snack.  I drank my water because I wanted to drink water.  You get the idea.  Though I was mindful of the scale, and the distances run and the amount of food eaten, my drive was rooted in just wanting to do it, not be measured against it.

I was so excited.  I found my wave.  I was going to surf it all the way in.  I was going to continue on because that's what I wanted to do!  And when the week was done and I cracked that glass floor and had a great weigh in at the hospital...I crashed.  And hard.

The day after the weigh in, I overate.  And then the next. And then the next.  And everyday since.  I've continued exercising...that part of my success has not wavered.  But my focus on the weight loss is gone.  And I can't figure out why it disintegrated so quickly.

Part of it is, I'm sure, that though I was doing it without a measurable in mind, once it was measured it became something different.  Dropping below 290 wasn't a goal for the week, but having done so, it felt like an accomplishment.  Like something had finished.  Like something had completed.  It was an after-the-fact goal.

Part of it too, I think, is simply that I am still simply too scared to believe that I can do this.  For one week I believed I could.  I could not believe in another week of the same success.  It was too frightening to believe that I could sustain such success.

And a third part, I believe, is that part of me simply said "you may now have what you deprived yourself in order to get here.  Good job.  You deserve these empty carbs and unnecessary calorie count."  I was ENTITLED because I had given them up. Never mind that indulging in such things is utterly destructive to what I had created.  And not just physically, but the pride I had created within myself in doing so well too. Gone. Vanished.  Any nascent sense of self esteem destroyed in an instant.

So, the week following my silent celebration has been self destructive.  And I have to figure out what to do.  I do think what I discovered in Karen's words still ring true.  I am not a goal oriented person. Never have been.  Goals mean judgement in how close you come or how far you fail.  I like to think in terms of guidelines, of processes.  And that's what that week was--experiencing the process!  But I ended it by judging it with a goal.  Now the process is tainted and I don't know how to go back.  I know that doesn't make sense, but nevertheless, it is what I'm experiencing within.