A man and his plan

I have only got in one run since that 5K two Saturdays ago.  I plan on rectifying that tonight.  I really don't know why I procrastinate on running when I know that A) it's good for me 2) I feel good when I'm done and thirdly, it gives me a moment to clear my head.  And, right now, that head clearing is what I need more than anything.

I've tiptoed around my wife's illness because I didn't think it appropriate to share in such a public place.  But I think now I will share that her problems are centered in the area of mental health.  Depression and anxiety disorders are real and they are painful.  The stress in the stable is underpinned with a overwhelming sense of hopelessness.  This is definitely true for her, but equally true for myself.  If she had a broken leg, I'd know what to do.  If she had cancer, I'd learn what to do.  With mental health disorders, there is NOTHING I can do but support, comfort and journey with her.  And that never seems like enough.  A large part of the stress is being an advocate to the different medical institutions (hate that word) and keeping them on the ball.  It doesn't help that I, too, struggle with depression though not to such a debilitating degree. Or does it? I think what I'm getting at is there is very little I can do to help her heal other than provide a safe place to be.

With this in mind, I am not surprised in the least in my struggle with emotional eating.  What I struggle with the most is impulse control.  I can plan all I want, but when I walk into the kitchen and my MIL (who is a rock and I love dearly) has baked a dozen cookies...it isn't pretty.  I have found myself almost in a literal daze as I enter the gas station and purchase chips, dip and a diet soda.  I know at every turn I have the power to chose otherwise, but the id, the unrelenting drive underneath the conscious mind, is powerful.

I will run tonight.  I will exercise Wise Mind in an effort to control my impulses.  And should I falter, I will not shame myself for my weakness, but I will reflect on how I could have done better.  And, these aren't goals.  I've learned not to share goals (really.  I gave up soda for two weeks largely because I didn't tell anyone I was giving it up).  It is my plan and that will be good enough for now.