Paper Cuts

I've been poking around at other blogs and discovering many wonderful people struggling with the same things I struggle with.  It has been a thrill to know I am not alone and I have enjoyed the comments and support I receive here on The Jogging Clydesdale.  Recently I came across The Anti-Jared and I just stopped in my tracks.  In particular, his post I am a food addict has had me thinking for many days.

He says many of us are paper tigers when it comes to facing our unhealthy ways.  I admit it.  I touched upon it in my post This is Bullsh*t (though I didn't know it had a name).  And it was that post that got JackSh*t's attention, put me in touch so many other wonderful people and started me on this resurgence of blogging and getting geared up to fit my health battles again.

But...I am still a paper tiger.  I bluster a lot, both here and in real life, about my diet and my running.  I know what needs to be done but I often believe I lack the skill, the will, the drive or the knowledge to really kick it into gear.

I admit that I am still unwilling to really believe I can do this.

I am a food addict.  I wish food were just fuel that sometimes tastes good.  No, food is comfort.  Food is love.  Food is satisfaction.  Food is distraction.  Food is shame.  Food is joy.  Food is a reflection of emotions.  Food is celebration.  Food is family.  Food is a gift that you share with yourself and with others to show that you care.

Food takes away the pain and the emptiness.  But only for a moment.  And then that moment is gone.

And I write these things knowing full well that it is lies.  Food is none of these things, but it is how I experience food everyday.  Each and every day I eat because of one of these things I list or several dozen equally false reasons I haven't listed.  Rarely do I eat because I am hungry.  Rarely is it because I need fuel.

Currently my wife is very sick and in a lot of anguish.  She lost her job after exhausting her medical leave of absence.  The stress is intense and having to take care of the family, the house, keep my own job and all the other things normal life throws at you is difficult enough.  Having to drop out of a structured weight loss program I believed in (though haven't faithfully followed for quite awhile) was a blow.  My structure is gone.  Food has become again all the things I was convinced I had put behind me.

I am a paper tiger.  I am a food addict.  I am feeling lost.

But I am not alone.

In addition to all the new friends I have met through this blog, I have many IRL friends and family who have said they are willing to walk this journey with me.  Not just the food, but the journey of life that has been gifted to me.  I have family, both from my side and my wife's, willing and able to help out in the house.  My MIL is here and plans to stay for another 6 weeks or longer to help us and to take care of her daughter so I can keep everything else together.  I have friends I can talk to, in person, on the phone and in the internets.

I still don't know how to answer Jack's challenge to answer "why I do this here."  But with every post here at TJC and with every day's meditation, I hope to get closer to that answer.

I really am a paper tiger and I am addicted to food and all the lies it has become.  That said, paper tigers can grow teeth and lies can be countered with truth.  And addictions can be overcome.

Tomorrow Tonight is as good as any to start the teething pain.