I don't wanna, but I will

I believe I've figured out something else going on underneath the hood.  In addition to the stress of my wife's health, the family finances and all the other things life is throwing at me, there is something small going on...but powerful.

I've signed up for a 5K this coming Saturday.  It is a very non-competitive race sponsored by the hospital's "rapid weight-loss" program. And when I say non-competitive, let me just say even the lady in the powered wheelchair got a medal.

Last time I ran it, there were about 15 runners and I came in dead last.  Now, I was also the only runner that was still in weight-loss mode. The rest were family of clients or those who had met their goals and were in maintenance.  So I was the only big clyde running against, well, people not so big.  No one else but me cared that I was dead last and no one made a big deal about whatever place they did take. 

I have no doubt that this Saturday will be any different.

There are severeal reasons why such a laid back event has me so tied up in knots.  First, I am not at the fitness level I wanted to be when planning to race.  I had a goal of another 10 pounds lighter.  Second, I've not yet ran a 5K in "training" despite having followed the Couch to 5K program since last spring.  Third, I fear being passed by the walkers that start 10 minutes after the runners.  It nearly happened last time when I was in much better shape.  Fourth, I know I will not even come close to a new PR.  Lastly, I don't want to be dead last again.

I know what you're going to say.  I'd say it to anyone else who would post that paragraph.  It doesn't matter, do it for you.  Intellectually I get it.  Emotionally, however, is a much different ballgame and we all know it.  No one wants their pride hurt.  No one likes going into a situation when you know your pride is going to be smacked around like a ping pong ball.

That said, having identified this new level of murmuring undercurrent in the 'ole brainbox, it has been easier today to control my appetite.  I now have a conscious understanding of what is really bothering me, what is really driving me to pull over at a convenience store and get a bag of chips and a 16 oz container of French Onion dip.  And, with that understanding, I chose to drive on.

I'm going to run this Saturday even though I don't want to be measured against others or with my past accomplishments.  And that is an inherent function of a race.  You can't avoid it.

So why do it?
Because life isn't easy.
And avoiding things that aren't easy doesn't fix that.