Free-Falling

It's time that I admit that my current situation with regard to poor choices goes beyond the stress I'm experiencing.  While our situation at home continues to bring an inordinate amount of stress, I know I am now using it as an excuse or a crutch to eat whatever the hell I want.  I find beneath the reaction to stress is my old enemy, shame and judgement.

I try to convince myself that half a box of granola bars isn't a binge, because it isn't the whole box.  That a bowl of cereal isn't a binge because it wasn't the whole bag of cereal.  That two bowls of popcorn isn't a binge because popcorn is "healthy" (despite the oil I pop it in and the butter I put on it).  And I conveniently ignore the fact that this describes just one evening's damage.

No, the truth is that beneath the self soothing with food in reaction to stress, there is more.  Self hatred, self loathing for losing control.  And to punish myself, I deserve to be fat.

How deeply these habits are entrenched!

So, where to go from here?


I have an image of falling into a bottomless pit with nothing to grab hold of, spinning and turning.  Each moment in free-fall I feel shame and anger.  And I cry out for help; a net appears, firmly anchored to each wall of the pit, each cord of the net constructed from words of kindness.  And I am caught; safe from the jagged rock below, but so far from the top.  I am in the middle, but now have time to consider how to make my way back out.

Experience tells me to forgive and move on.  Acknowledging this revelation isn't going to be enough to ameliorate the problem, I must also accept that it happened.  And I do.

I am not a bad person for being human with weaknesses and faults.  I am not a good person for having figured this out.  I am a person struggling with the situation I find myself in and nothing more.  But knowing how much deeper the situation goes does give me the insight to know which tools to use.

Food is such a double edged sword, offered both in love and in anger.  I will find other ways to show myself kindness.  I will stand in front of the mirror and tell myself supportive words.  I will accept that the anger within is as much a part of me as the kindness and try to find other ways of expressing it...perhaps a blog post.  Perhaps an loud and angry session with the guitar.  Perhaps a private journal entry.  Perhaps a talk with my wife.