I've been doing great

It's a long one. And it rambles. Bear with me.

I've been doing great. Seriously.  And because of that, I've not had much to say here at the stable. Ever since that experience with my youngest foal, I have found it easier to stay focused, to stay on target and to stay "on program".  Easier, but not perfect.  But even there I feel empowered. I feel like I've finally gotten to a point of really practicing the art of self acceptance.  I'm not perfect.  Isn't that wonderful?

I am thoroughly enjoying running again.  I work out 3 times a week following the Couch to 5K plan.  I'm currently doing week 6 even though I've been working at this for probably, oh, the last 10.  I'm still a big guy so I still need to take it easy.

I have found once again that magic spot where I'm doing all these things because I want to.  I run because I want to.  I stay on program because I want to.  I go snack free in the evening because I want to.  I am good.

And as a fine example of this breakthrough, let me tell you of what happened earlier this week.  We went camping with old friends.  Three days at the Warren Dunes State park.  Three days of conversation and laughter, memories and adventures.  I ran on the trails on Monday, then off to the beach.  On Tuesday, we went for a three mile hike, up and down the steep sand dunes and a long walk along the beach in soft sand.  It was miserable...and I loved it.  Me.  I loved the physical activity, the exhaustion, the knowledge that I accomplished it.  It may not have been a big deal for someone fit and trim, but for a 285 pound man who's just regaining his health...I am quite pleased.

And the food.  OMG. Party mix. Tortilla chips.  Cheesy poofs. Potato salad.  Macaroni salad. Cereal. Pancakes and syrup. S'mores. Dessert burritos. Walking tacos. Hobo pizzas.  I skipped them all, choosing instead to stay focused on my program.  And I found it easy...because it is what I wanted to do!

I am feeling good about myself and my progress.

And then there's the bit I alluded to in yesterday's Way In.

I went in to my check-in feeling stoked.  It was my monthly health and wellness check-in with the nurse practitioner. Think of it as not so different than a checkup with your doctor.  I wanted to tell her what I've experienced in the last month, and in the last week.

Then she said the words that got me so worked up.  She looked at my weight, noticed that I've "only" lost 3 pounds and says to me "What are your plans for getting back on program?"

o.0

I asked "What the hell are you talking about?  I've been on program.  I've been nothing but focused for the last two weeks."

She got a bit flustered as I've not been one to push back in the past.  She took a little more time to look at my record.  Four weeks ago, at my last check-in with her, I was 287.  Two weeks ago, I had remained at 287.  That was my staycation and family reunion campout.  I know why I hadn't lost at that weigh in and I was fine with it.  Yesterday's data shows that I've dropped those 3 pounds in two weeks.  Not stellar, but a damn fine accomplishment if you ask me.  And if I had been more careful with my hydration during my campout this week, who knows what my weight would have been yesterday morning instead of being all bloated after trying to replenish my fluids.

No.  She took one data point and failed to put it in context.  That hurt. And for awhile I felt rather cut down.  Am I so pathetic that it should just be assumed that I "cheated"?  So I've stewed about it the better part of the day, teasing out what is a better way to look at this incident.

Here's what I've concluded.

She's human too and makes mistakes.

 And when I said 'what are you talking about,' I took a measure of control back. See, she is the leader of this whole program and I have deferred a lot to her instruction and guidance.  A dynamic changed today.  And I feel even more empowered to do this thing...because I want to.  And not because I want to please her.

I still feel that her rush to judgement was uncalled for and unprofessional.  And I will continue to remind myself that all make mistakes.

But, otherwise, I've been doing great.  Seriously.