Childhood: These are foods I often ate as a child. These are the ones I easily find a direct connection. There are scores of happy memories associated with these foods. A lot of family connected with these foods. In my illness, these foods ARE my childhood. And if I am not careful, I end up eating my childhood. Macaroni and cheese; Chop Suey; Tuna and noodles; Party mix; Chili mac; Popcorn.
Habit: Rare was a trip to town that didn't include some special snack. Mom certainly also has unhealthy emotional connections to food. So a stop at a gas station meant candy bar. A trip through south of town meant DQ. A trip to the town north of where we lived meant Tasty Freeze and their twisted cones. This is a very difficult habit. When I need gas, the pull to go in and buy a little something is powerful. Chips; candy; (diet) pop; Chips and Dip (very dangerous); peanuts.
"Treats": Growing up, pop was a rare treat as were chips. We had pop when we had pizza, about once a month if that. We also got 7UP if we got sick. Chips came with hot dogs and hamburgers. And they were so rare, I learned to gobble up as much as I could. Now chips and pop are ubiquitous, but part of my brain is still convinced having them is a rare treat. BBQ chips; chips and dip (very dangerous); Coca Cola ( I drink diet now, at least); and if I got got Doritos as a kid, I lost my effin mind....so now it still a huge go to "treat".
Scarce: Somewhat related to treats, these foods are ones that I've identified as scarce somehow (as opposed to rare or not often) and I gotta get it all because who knows when I'll get them again. And its odd, because this list is far from scarce these days. Roast beef; steak; gravy; Texas sheet cake; doughnuts; cookies.
Ninja: I've not identified any ninja foods except for the famous "Muffins are Not Smiles" But if one exists I'm sure many are kicking my ass. Rhubarb muffins.
Stress: Any of the above could be stress food, but my go to foods are popcorn, left overs of any of the childhood foods; chips and dip (very dangerous); ice cream (to a lesser extent).
Depression or Boredom: Again, any of the above, but my go to foods are popcorn, chips, granola bars, graham cracker soup, cereal.
Right now I know I must (!) avoid the childhood foods (I almost wrote childhood friends, Freudian slip anyone?) like the plague. I have a lot more exploration before a healthy relationship can be found with these foods. I know that treats need to be treats; that chips everyday, three "snack sized" bags at a time is not a treat. I know that habits can be broken. I'm nearly 10 years smoke free. Simple steps such as pay at the pump. Fast food can be a problem, but planning daily meals helps. Scarce foods aren't scarce. These I need to eat mindfully, constantly reminding myself that the scarcity is an illusion; a product of an overactive obsessive thought.
Stress, depression, boredom and ninja foods, however, continue to confound me. I'm trying to tackle the emotion with the many emotion regulation skills I'm learning in therapy, and it has helped quite a bit. But those ninja foods...I have no idea what those are.
Underneath it all remains another quirk. I can also eat simply because its there. And I'm not talking about grazing. It's about getting very anxious that there is food there and no one else is eating it; no one is putting it away; no one is paying any attention to this food wasting away. It's going to waste! I'm not sure where this came from. I have my guesses. I wrote about this more clearly here. This is probably my most dangerous food issue as it involved any food. It is a problem that I try to deal with by putting the food away myself or I just walk away. It doesn't always work.
Two years ago, I wasn't aware of any of this. A year ago I started getting an inkling on much of this. Now I know this is only a start...but what a foundation. My weight will never be in total control until I work out a lot of these connections. I feel, though, tonight, that I've made great progress.
What would you find in your audit?
I love how you reflect here...it's personal, obviously, but there's also a sense of objectivity and that is key. It's being able to sort of stand outside of yourself and say, "Oh look at that...isn't that interesting?"
ReplyDeleteI haven't done as detailed an audit as this, but some of the foods I can think of off the top of my head? Smarties candies, Goldfish crackers, Smartfood popcorn (or any cheesy, crunchy snack), potato chips, homemade chocolate chip cookies...