Conversations in my head

You're weak.

You've failed.

You are a fatty fat fat fatty.

You work so hard, and for what?

To blow it at the last moment,

That need to feed your fat fa..

You know, you can go to hell.

HA! I finally got to you!

Yeah.

But now you have to deal with what you brought on.

You call me weak, a failure, a fatty.

You sit there in the dark recesses of my

Mind and taunt me and you remind

Me of my missteps, of my insecurities.

 

I have looked  back on our conversations.

I have tried to give you understanding.

I have tried to show you compassion.

I have tried to find ways to make your

Hatred work for me--to motivate me

To explore that other side of me that

Is so full of self hatred and self doubt.

I have tried to reconcile that you are

A part of ME.

Truth is, you're just an asshole.

Yes, I am weak

But only after I have spent my strength.  After

I have worn myself weary of standing tall and

Carrying burdens on my shoulders

And on my mind

And on my heart

And on my soul.

I work  hard every day to stay on target.

I use my skills, my ways of

Distracting, of dealing with my stress and

Other emotions in healthier ways.  But

I have only so much strength.  And then

I am weak.
And then I deal with my emotions

The only way I know how--to eat them.

And no, I have not failed.

As a friend recently put it to me, I've

Only failed if I give up.

And I have not.


As another friend said, you
Confuse failure with struggling.

And I will will work to never
Be confused about these again.

Hey, I..

I'm not done.

I have fought you all of my life.

I have worked so hard to defeat you.

And like my monsters before you

I know now I will not, in the end,
Defeat you.

But I will lessen you.

 

Because you, sir, are the weak one.

I am strong because I know I cannot always be.

You are the one that fears failure.

I am brave because I know I will fail, yet I still go on.

You are the one full self doubt.

I trust that I have the intuition, the knowledge and the wisdom

to deal with whatever life throws our way.

You are the lack of self confidence.

I am empowered to search my inner being to find that confidence.

You are the one full of self hate.

I can look beyond that, and, at times, find self grace.

I do not need you, sir.

Now. Or ever.

In other words:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!