I am fat me

“Imagine that you hate the color purple.  Then imagine that you move to a house where your room is purple. If you refuse to accept that the room is purple, you will never paint it a color that you want.”

A basic tenet of Buddhism is that life is painful.  Not accepting that truth is what causes suffering.  I’ve been doing a lot of work over the last 3 years or so to come to grips with this thing called Radical Acceptance.  I still don’t know if I’m getting it right, but it is accepting that things are as they are and I can’t change it.  It means riding out that pain, experiencing it, living with it until such time that the pain diminishes or the situation changes in ways that I can change it.  But refusing to accept the pain is pain squared or suffering. 

The little illustration quoted above is a neat little summation of both suffering and radical acceptance.

I’m not a Buddhist, but I believe there is wisdom to be found in its teachings. There’s a lot that goes with it.  Mindfulness, being present, letting go of the past, realizing that the future is equally intangible.  It’s really hard.  Even harder to sum up in a blog post. And I don’t understand half of it. 

I am fat.  If I refuse to accept that I am fat, I will never be in a position to change it.

See, there’s still a part of me that refuses to accept that.  Sure, I’ve given it lip service.  I’ve worked very hard at forgiving myself for getting into this situation, but I’ve not really accepted the fact that I am back at square one.  In the back of my mind, I still regard myself as a healthy skinny person that’s “put on some weight” despite all the evidence to the contrary.  It’s a coping belief; it’s a lie to get me through the day without a crushing feeling of shame and pity.  Because of this delusion, I am suffering.  I am conflict between what is and what I tell myself is.  That conflict is causing me to suffer and is a stumbling block.

So, my friends, let me state again that I am fat.  And unhealthy.  And I will continue to be fat and unhealthy until such time that I am not fat unhealthy.  I will do my best to not deny this truth in any form of self delusion or rationalization.  And I will fail.  And after I fail, I will start again.

“Fighting reality causes suffering (I hate this room).  Sometimes people get so caught up in hate that they don’t change things.  First, accept the purple-ness of the room, and then paint it.”

It’s time to paint my fat, unhealthy purple room a different color.

(I wish I knew who to credit for the quote.  I got it from an article by Brent Menninger here, but it’s unclear to me if he is the author)