Remembering the Forgotten

I had the most extraordinary experience last evening.  For a brief moment, I remembered what it was like when I had lost all that weight, and was active with running and biking and generally not feeling like crap.  And here's the thing. I didn't experience the anxiety or the self judgment of getting back to that point like I usually do when I think of those years.  No, I experienced a calmness.  I experienced the feelings I had when I was at that point; the pride, the happiness, the physical freedom, the mental freedom. 

I remembered what it was like.  And when I came back to the present, that calmness stayed with me for a moment.  I felt the release of the present stress while remembering the release of the past stress.  I was at peace with myself and within myself.  For a moment.  And then it was gone.

I know that those years were no utopia so my memory is rather rose colored.  But they were happier years.  I want to get back to that calmness and that inner peacefulness.  I think I may have forgiven myself for gaining back the weight in that moment because, as I said, I felt no anxiety or shame for having put it all back on.  I just have to remember I did so.

Sometimes I think and I say out loud that food has a hold on me.  It does not.  I hold on to food as my sanctuary and as my comforter.  Those years I was losing the weight and running, I had let go of food.  I had embraced parts of my life I never thought were in me (me? run? be athletic?  but I'm a band geek!).  I had forgotten that I did that.  I have forgotten how to do that.

What I think I'll do is try to go back to that memory whenever the urge to binge starts it's tickle.

Changing subjects, I last wrote about my struggle with depression.  I have an appointment on Tuesday to begin the process with a new doctor.  Here's hoping.