Bump at Lesson 3

I've been making my way, slowly, through Marianne Williamson's book, A course in weight loss (citation at the end of this post) after one of my favorite bloggers, Karen at Before & After suggested it to me.  I've only made it through 5 of the 21 lessons and I'm struggling a bit with it.

The author's main point seems to be that, until I resolve the very basic fears and issues I have with myself, no amount of dieting program or exercise will be successful in the long run.  I believe that, and the 21 lessons are a guide in helping me navigate down to the core of my negativity and building myself back up.

It is pretty powerful stuff.

I've gotten a fair bit of positive comments on my preceding post, Letters from a madman.  That was the result of working through lesson 2.  I was completely thrown by what my thin self had to say to my fat self,  AND vice versa.  I honestly had no idea how much I was holding in.  My wife took me to task for dropping the F-bomb not once, but twice.  But those letters convey exactly what my different perspectives I have of myself have to say.

Working through the book, however, it becomes clear that it was written with a strong focus on giving up to God my struggles and desire to control my habits.  Much like the AA program, I'm asked to believe in a higher power that can overcome my food addictions or compulsive eating because I certainly do not have the power to do it alone (or at all).  That's a problem.  Despite the fact that I am a 40 year old Mennonite man, baptized at 16, member of a congregation and, until recently, an appointed member of that congregation's leadership team...I have a very, very hard time with my faith.  I am a closet agnostic who wants to believe, wants to share with a body of believers, but, in the end, I know I cannot categorically say I know there is more.

And I wonder if it is worth pursuing this book further if I am continually encouraged to place my trust in the Divine Mind.

Much of what I read in her book makes sense and has already made an impact.  I am aware, now, just how much self loathing I have created and carry (well, I know how much I've discovered...there may be more to come).  I am trying to accept myself and be comfortable with my size to the point where it is no longer a problem for me to solve, but a life I can choose. Or not choose.  I am convinced more than ever that before any meaningful change, I must learn that I am important enough for me to love unconditionally.  And this doubt in a higher power so early in the book is a stumbling block as I begin this journey.

The author invites the reader to take whatever notion of a higher power one can feel comfortable with. Right now the only power I feel comfortable in taking on is Love.  I know that is corny.  But there are so many people in my life who have shown me love even when I don't always recognize it.  The love of my wife, my parents and my children (and, occasionally, my brothers).  The love of my 20 warriors who journeyed with me when I lost 60 pounds in 08-09; and journeyed with me again when I put it all back on.  The love of the readers who come by my blog, strangers for the most part, but still willing to leave a message of encouragement or sympathy or empathy.  The love of my many friends IRL and elsewhere on the internets.

If I can learn to give myself that kind of power from myself to myself, I will get past lesson 3 and move on.

And, as promised, the bibliographic information:

Williamson, Marianne. A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2010. Print.