I wrote those words as a comment to fellow blogger Previously Plump... in progress a couple of weeks ago. This morning, I woke up thinking about those words in context with my own life. It's 4:30 in the morning, I am miserable and in a shame cycle, and I cannot get my head around why I have no control.I know its tough. I know what it's like to do so well then fall so far. You wonder just where the hell you got the strength in the first place. Then you wonder just where the hell it went and why you can't get it back. It is so confusing to understand and none of us have any answers.
While my wife's health is much improved, there are still periods of time where she will slip back into a poorer state that just frighten me to death. The emotional roller coaster I am on and have been on for the last 3 months is just unbearable. And I feel so unequipped to deal with facing down my emotional eating when my emotions are in such constant flux. I've had to miss so much work in order to care for my wife and family. I've recently needed to have a gut wrenching talk with my oldest who is very angry with his mother for being ill and not being available to him (like many, he understands intellectually that she is sick, but on an emotional level he just can't accept it--I doubt many 15 yo boys could).
The election did not go well for me. I don't want to get into politics, but given that I work for a taxed based institution, a Republican controlled statehouse, treasury and governor's office in Indiana does not bode well for my library's future. There is nothing left to cut if we still want to serve our public with basic services. Privatization, forced consolidation and staff cuts are all quite possible under Gov. Mitch Daniel's strong arm. And I'm not making a political argument here. I'm explaining the stress I feel. My job, my profession and my vocation's core services may be changed by politicians who have no understanding of what it is we really do. Hint: we're more than books, reading programs for kids and overdue fines.
I am binging like no body's business. If I understand why I am binging though, why can't I stop? Where is that self control that lead me to lose over 60 pounds just 2 years ago? Did I have no stress in 2008-09?
I am losing this battle. I am losing this war. I cannot gain a stronghold against my enemy. How can I when my enemy is myself--my unconscious mind who is convinced he is serving me well by doing what he has always done? That bugger is more powerful than any of us think in guiding how our life is spent and trying to get him to change his course is difficult to say the least.
I will not be writing a future post wherein I bounce back with specific references to this post. Future successes and failures will be on their own merit. But right now I feel defeated. Utterly and totally crushed.
Does it help to change your thinking from "I'm losing the battle - I'm losing the war" to "I lost that moment (or that day) and I can win or lose the mext moment (or day)?" It seems like giving away too much power if you look at it with such broad strokes. Maybe you're thinking 2008 was a good year and 2010 was a bad year. (And I get that 2010 has sucked.) But 2008 was probably filled with all kinds of little moments where you were stressed and chose not to binge, when you were being social and chose not to overeat, and when it was a holiday and you made healthy choice, yes? I think it's daunting to look at the big picture and less so to look at the bag of chips in your hand and asking yourself if you have the strength to put that one bag of chips away in this one moment and go to bed. Or take a walk.
ReplyDeleteDB, it does help tremendously when I am in Wise Mind. My post today is harsh on myself, but I woke up with it beating in my head and needed to get it out. Thanks for the comment. I've got some thinking to do. I'm not giving up. Just trying to be honest with myself...
ReplyDeleteI'm reading this, feeling for you. Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" comes to mind (which I will not quote here, but wanted to mention it, because it is one of my go-to songs).
ReplyDeleteI think we'd all be well-served to get out of the whole "war" mindset when it comes to our bodies and selves...seriously. But it's so ingrained...we've got fitness "boot camps" and the "war on obesity." And what happens when we wage war? There are unexpected casualties. It's time to come from a place of love and self-acceptance, as paradoxical as that sounds. I am living proof that practicing self-acceptance leads to a healthy weight. When we hate ourselves, we enter a cycle of self-abuse, we're tense and desperate. When we love ourselves, we start wanting to do nice things for ourselves...and nice things don't include binges. We relax, breath more deeply and make better decision for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI write about it here: http://kclanderson.com/before-and-after/self-acceptance-why-and-how and here http://kclanderson.com/before-and-after/the-science-behind-the-woo-woo
Today is today...yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow. Today can be crap. Tomorrow can be better. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete@cmoursler I'm hanging in and today is better!
ReplyDelete@S&S Thank you.
@Karen Thank you for your insight. I think you are correct about having a war mindset, but that seems the intuitive way to go about it. I'm trying to learn up on Buddhism and staying in Wise Mind. That seems to go hand in hand with what you're saying here and in your posts. In many ways I have learned to love myself and accept myself in the last 10 years, but I still have a number of emotional blocks that just never seem to go away. I'm working at it.
There are a lot of stresses in your life now. Things you fear and have no control over. I was there several years ago when my husband was out of work and then had a major health setback. I told myself the only thing I had control over was my eating and for some reason I gained strength from that. I finally had control over SOMETHING and I was determined to show who was who. I got to within 8#'s of goal. Of course, here I am again but I'm still a winner and I'm going to make it this time. Give yourself some credit that this is only a temporary setback and put some plans into action. It doesn't come easy and you know that and have been willing to work hard in the past. I know you have the strength to do so again. It's all inside you.
ReplyDelete~Sheilah