Yeah, I've been avoiding this for some time. My blog is bullshit. My "lifestyle change" is bullshit. The words I write here are as much to convinice myself as it is to convince you that I desire change. I've worked with a group of friends, my Warriors, who helped me be accountable. But in a brief insight of honesty, I realized I was trying to convince them as well rather than really put myself in their hands. I've thought I've hit bottom many times and decide from here on out it's gonna be by the book. But.... I like to eat. I like to find comfort in food. When I am stressing, it hits the spot. I've not really found the bottom.
You know, while I was thinking about writing this today, I ate 5 oreo cookies, two slices of pizza, a "snack sized" bag of chips and two halves of a cinnimon roll? Did I mention I am supposedly on a low carb diet? I have put back on 50 of the 62 pounds I lost in 2008-2009. Yes, my life is a mess--you'll have to trust me on that one. Stress is a factor. But it is also a cop out.
Somehow I thought this blog might help inspire me to run and gain back that health I've lost since last summer. And it has, in a way. But who really wants to read about a 40 year old man who struggles with negative self talk? How many ways can I describe the beauty of asphalt and concrete lined with perfect green lawns through suburbia?
Bleeh.
What's more, I finally came across the blog I wish I had made. Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit is the blog I wish I could have realized. But I couldn't have because I am not Jack Sh*t. He says what needs to be said. He pulls no punches with himself or with his audience, but he does it with humor and incredible support for those with whom he is sharing his journey. In particular, one of his older posts, Just Means Well or Well, Just Mean? just really hit me over the head like a tonne of bricks. Like the blogger he is dialoging with in that post, I find it very easy to rationalize or ignore just how much I am working against myself in trying to lose this weight. Jack doesn't give him any squirm room, but is nonetheless 100% supportive of his online fitness buddy.
I need to decide soon if I really am committeed or if I'm just playing games. One of Jack's regular features is to have his reader's write down why they are trying to get fit or lose wieght on a note card, take a pic of them holding it, and sending it in.
I've been doing this for more than two years now. I don't know what I'd write.
Clydesdale Jog will be taking a brief intermission as I grow a pair and get my headspace right.
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I totally know what you're going through with the weight issue and negative self-talk. Earlier this year I lost 20 pounds but I was working out like crazy and counting every single calorie. In June I had an injury that I have used as an excuse ever since. It's no longer and issue but I haven't gotten back on the bandwagon and have gained back AT LEAST 10 pounds if not more (I refuse to weigh myself so I don't cry). Of course, my food blogging isn't helping things much.
ReplyDeleteI decided that with The Biggest Loser starting this next week again I'll get myself back on track. Can you believe I just came home from the grocery store to pick up two things and I almost bought a Reeses cup (large size I may add) because I was by myself and knew I wouldn't have to be held accountable to anyone for eating it???? BUT I didn't so I guess that's a first step but it makes me sick and ashamed that I even thought about it.
It's so hard. I don't know what the answer is. I've been seriously thinking about looking into Overeaters Anonymous. I love food and want to eat all the time. Not sure where the urge comes from. :(
Don't you give up though.
Thanks Cooking Mama. I won't give up and I hope you won't either. I so totally identify with knowing I can buy crap, eat it on my way home and throw the wrappers in the trash in the garage and no one's the wiser. What kind of mind thinks that way except an addict? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteCJ, before I started this blogging adventure 18 months ago, I was as lost as you seem to be right now. It seemed as though I'd start a new diet every Monday morning and would be elbow deep in a plate of nachos by the weekend. I was out of control and nearly out of my mind. I've got a few years on you, so I understand just how hard it is to get the ball rolling.
ReplyDeleteWhat did it for me was a long weekend home all by my lonesome. I found a weight-loss blog called Steve version 4.6 that really resonated with me. It was a guy roughly my size, roughly my age, roughly my weight, who had lost a tremendous amount of weight doing nothing more than eating a little better and exercising a little more. Best of all, he blogged every day about his experience.
That was the blog I wanted to write, but we're each different. We each bring our own gifts, our own personalities to the party. Early on, I found myself gravitating to using humor to get through my everyday blogging, because if I had blogged about what I was eating, what I was doing, I'd have about six readers today.
Most of all, I embraced the fact that this is a lifetime commitment. I've yoyo'd too many times in my life, and just don't know if I've got any more big losses left in the tank.
Take a break and recharge, if you think that's what's best, but I'd tell you that turning my back on blogging would lead me back to my old ways pretty quickly. I have a blogging buddy who got down to goal weight, closed up his blogging shop and promptly gained 50 lbs in about three months.
But you're right about one thing: you really DO need to identify WHY you want to do this, WHAT exactly you're willing to sacrifice in order to achieve it.
It isn't easy and it won't happen overnight, but it will change your life in a real and profound way.
Email me anytime you want (jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com) if you have any questions or just need a sounding board.
Take care, my friend.
I agree. Sometimes I think . . this must what it feel like to be an alcoholic or drug addict. So scary.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by JS! I'm not too worried about losing focus as I don't seem to have very much right now anyway... and I don't think this intermission will be of much duration. I've been inspired by you blog, and many others I've met through Twitter because of your blog. I've also been reminded in other ways that what I'm sharing here on ClydesdaleJog is having a small influence on my friends, both IRL and online. Things are a changing.
ReplyDeleteI came by from Jack's blog. I have been really, really struggling myself lately. I am a yo-yo dieter who thought I was done with all that, but have seemingly managed to gain weight back once again. But the blogging keeps me going. The community. We can do this!
ReplyDeleteHi JC. I'm kinda new to the fitness blogging thing. I've been wanting to lose weight for, oh...10-15 years. On my 5'2" frame, and extra 50 lbs isn't a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI used to run. 20 years ago. And since I've put on this weight, I've flirted with the idea of getting back into it. I've kidded myself over and over that **this year** I'm going to do it. And then things come up that I use as an excuse. I'm too busy, I'm getting over pneumonia, my back hurts too much.
I haven't exactly been a yo-yo dieter. I've just let the weight creep up over the years. After two kids, I didn't get back down to my pre-baby weight. Then, the years started ticking by. And the pounds started adding up. And then one day I got on the scale and I weighed 65% more than I had before kids. Holy sh*t! I weighed more than I did when I was carrying another person.
Somewhere along the line (just recently) I decided that I just need to start with small changes. And so I am at the beginning of my journey.
Lanie Painie at Healthy Schmealthy (http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/) wrote a post about Polarizing Words, where she discusses the futilistic mindset of using words like always and never. She relates that to dieting success/failure by stating that to indulge once does not have to lead to an entire day(/week/month) being a failure. I love this post because its so simple and yet so true. I don't have to blow an entire day just because I slipped once.
We all have negative self-talk. And sometimes just getting it out there helps. Others can relate to it, believe me. And sometime it also helps to get it out there when you're struggling with your own reasons for doing something, or even your lack of reasons. I think its normal to get discouraged sonetimes, and then ask "why am I doing this, reall?".
But normal doesn't necessarily = healthy.
A friend of mine often uses the term "itty bitty shitty committee" to refer to the inner demons that shout all this negative self-talk in our heads when things get really tough. Its like being kicked when you're down. The other thing she teaches is that this committee is under our control. Their job is to maintain the status quo. The more you do to change things, the louder they get. So the key is to shut them up, which we do by first understanding that we have the power to do so, and then catching ourselves in the middle of the bad self-talk, and saying "nope, not going there".
Fire the committee. They are not your friends.
Hang in there, CJ!!
Hey bud, I came from Jacks blog. I am not a mean person...but this may come off blunt. I am not blunt by nature...but 'taking a break' is usually code with going back to eating and not exercising and using that space to continue ignoring what you are doing with yourself. I have not read anything on this blog. I read that you are doing low carb. I know some people have great success with that. I find that alot of people use low carb to drop weight quick to go back to eating the way they used to when they have lost their weight. Then they can be 'normal' again. I know I did five years ago. lost 35 lbs. and lost my mind and regained it all.
ReplyDeletewhy? Because it wasn't about hitting 'bottom'. You don't want to hit 'bottom'. Bottom could be a heart attack and death. You may never hit a bottom hard enough to wake you up. You have to create a bottom. If you haven't done it yet, there is a dude called sean and he blogs over at a daily diary of a winning loser. He has a very very simple dieting philosophy...cap your calories and use them like a budget and exercise in a moderate fashion. It works, it's sane and it can last a life time. I understand using food for comfort, I did it for years. I don't think I know everything. I know one thing. food doesn't work, it will stifle your growth, stunt your life, and the years are flying by and you will never get them back. This is the first @ss kicking I have ever delivered to a person I have never read. lol.
Sorry.
But if it works I'm not sorry.
YOu can drop by my blog to tell me to drop dead.
lololol.
I want to have my cake and eat it too... I mean what's the point in having cake if you can't eat it?!
ReplyDeleteI hear you, loud and clear and I totally know what you're talking about. I, at one point, had lost 60lbs. I was feeling fantastic.
Since then, I have gained 25 of it back. Blech. Gross. Puke.
I don't suggest taking a break - every time I do that I end up waist deep in ice cream, french fries and beer.
I'm glad I found your blog... I mean, we don't have a lot in common (on the surface), but like I said to Jack this morning, reading your post was like looking (reading?) in the mirror.
Hey JC, I'm stopping over from Jack's blog.
ReplyDelete]
First I want to commend you on taking some time to figure out WHY you want to take this journey. If you are to get anywhere, that's an important piece of the puzzle.
Second, I've been there. At one time or another, we all have. That lost, helpless, I can't do it, who am I kidding, I'll ALWAYS be fat mindset has plagued us all and is so detremental to any potential progress. I started and stopped so many times along the way. And then one day, things just started clicking. I started ENJOYING my workouts, I started recognizing that the crap food made me actually FEEL like crap, it didn't taste the same, I started craving the healthy stuff, making good choices started becomming routine. It didn't happen all at once like some giant epiphany, but it happened bit by bit over time and I was only able to recognize it happening at all in hindsight.
Bottom line is this, keep trying. You HAVE to keep trying. Because if you don't? Start shopping for your coffin.
My Dad died this past summer and the funeral home wanted to put him in an extra large coffin but it wouldn't fit in the mauseleum vault so they had to pretty much shoe horn him into a too tight casket. Sorry to be so harsh but dude, NOBODY should have to suffer through that humiltiation in life or in death.
YOU have all the power in the world to prevent that, to make the changes and move forward. YOU just have to believe in yourself. I don't even know you and I believe in you because ulitmately, every person has the capability to make the changes needed.
Oh and one more thing? PLENTY of people want to read a 40 year old man who struggles with negative self talk, because WE ALL struggle with that too. Don't put yourself on the outside. You are one of us, you're just having a $h.tty day.
Best of luck with everything and I'll be back to check on you.
From some of your other entries, it sounds like you've had stuff besides food on your 'plate' in recent months with your wife's illness. I'm not saying it's okay to let the backslide continue... I'm saying forgive yourself for it and acknowledge it before moving (literally) on.
ReplyDeleteI'm having serious backsliding issues myself. I lost a bunch of weight in 08-09 and then stopped. Frankly, dieting and exercise get old. Old and annoying. Blogging helps keep you accountable AND helps you remember why you took the trouble in the first place.
Wow! Thank you everybody for dropping by! What a wonderful surprise. I'm sorry I don't have time to respond to everybody individually like a good blogger should. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed as I've never had so many visitors! Your support is touching and I am finding some good headspace.
ReplyDeleteI do want to clarify what I meant as taking a break. I meant from blogging, not from my running or my struggle with food. :) Jack's blog opened my eyes to a whole new blogoshpere and I wanted to take some time to really think about why I write here. My diet might be half assed as I work my way through this rough spot, but it is there and I am mindful of what I'm doing. Even so my hiatus should be brief as I'm getting more ideas of things I can share.
Thank you again, my new friends.
Cliche as it sounds...but weight loss is the journey, not the destination. On our journey we will face ups and downs, we may even get lost and turn back sometimes. The important thing is ask for directions, find the correct path and to keep going on. We will arrive at the destination sooner or later. But arrive we will...and then we'll have a new destination to go to! Take a pit stop and then go forth!
ReplyDeleteI so relate to your words--especially when you said you want to comfort yourself with food. I think I'm there to but haven't said it to myself.
ReplyDeleteI also relate to your comment on working against yourself. Why do we do that??! If I knew, that would be half the battle, but I'm going to keep on trying.
I've read Jack for a while now, and I too have been trying to figure out what I would write on a note card. Perhaps this is a FIRST or CONTINUING step. If you do it, I'll do it--is that a challenge?
I think you have great things to say--in your own way. Hope you find your way to make blogging work. I'm still working on it.
@Jen I take up your challenge. When shall we say we must submit a photo to Jack?
ReplyDeleteOk, so many visitors, so many great things to respond to. Let me try.
ReplyDelete@Waisting Time Yes we can. I did not know about this community until Jack showed up on Twitter. I am grateful to know I'm not alone.
@How I'm Losing It... thank you so much for sharing your story. I was kinda of worried that my posting about negative talk just made me sound like a 40 yo whiner. I'm glad to know it is understood and appreciated when I share. I love the "itty bitty shitty committee"! BTW, what is your blog address if you have one? I can't seem to open your profile.
@cmoursler Seriously, no problem with the bluntness so I won't be dropping by to tell you to drop dead. :) I'm going to give some thought about hitting bottom. I've certainly been near the bottom emotionally speaking.
@PPiP Thank you for dropping by. Perhaps overtime we will find things in common? Yo-Yo dieting seems like as good a place as any to start.
@Lucas Wow, thank you for sharing such a personal story, especially as it regards your dad. I am touched that you would choose to do that for me. and thanks for the push to keep writing even though I still feel a little silly whining on and on and on...:)
@Sarah Thank you for your understanding. 2010 has been a real shitty year. It is very personal and not something I can really share. The stress has been overwhelming at times. Then to have Mrs C health fail...I have my limits.
@Eskay Somtimes cliches are all we have to cling on to when everything else is falling away. Thank you for stopping by.