Falling shoes

Well, the other shoe finally fell yesterday. After 9 months of hanging in there on one paycheck, making the bills and the mortgage and buying enough food and clothes to keep the family from being hungry and naked, the good times have come to an end.

The hospital decided to call in all their chips. "Give us 9 grand by Thursday," they said "and we'll write off the rest. Or, alternatively, go to collections and pay an additional 33% on it all."

So, after making monthly payments for 2 years and not hearing a single peep of dissatisfaction from the health care facility, I gotta come up with a bunch of money I don't have in two days. I put it on a credit card and now I have to figure out how to pay two credit card bills. On top of everything else. And my wife needs to continue treatment at said hospital so it's not as if I'm done with them either.

I know there are a lot of families out there that are hurting, that are struggling to make it from week to week or even day to day. But, you know what? That doesn't bring me a lot of comfort.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. So long as I have my small savings, I can make the mortgage and the bills until August, but after groceries and gas there is nothing left. And once the savings is gone, I'm done. I have no plan B nor do I even know who I could talk to about plan B.

Just how much more does the universe think it can squeeze out of me?

And this situation does nothing for my wife's current state of health. Well, nothing positive anyway, making it even less likely she'll be able to work any time soon, thus keeping us in this evil cycle.

Yeah, I'm feeling rather Woe Is Me.

Onions

It's been a bit since I last posted.  To tell the truth, for every two steps forward in getting a handle on my emotional health and it's integrated, interwoven effects on my physical health...it's usually a step backward.  It's like an onion.  Just when I feel I've let somethings go, truly feel that I am over some situation or worked through some negative self image, I find it again at a deeper level....a more basic level.

I have a lot of anger.

Without going into all the details, 2010 started out by a betrayal of a friend.  That friend was also my pastor but I am careful to point out his breach of confidence was rooted in our shared friendship and not his confidential duties as a man of the cloth.  It was final straw and the tipping point in my relationship with him.  I ended up resigning my position as a lay leader in my congregation and pretty much withdrawing from church altogether.  The rest of the church leadership got involved with the pastor in issues that went much deeper than my personal pain, and it ended with him tendering his resignation in June effective at the end of August.

There is no doubt in my mind, though, that he blames me for the majority of his failed ministry with my congregation.  I have the e-mail.

I've consciously let go of my hurt and anger.  It doesn't serve me.  I know that I did not, as he put it, "damage his ability to participate in the relational structure of the congregation..."  I have worked hard to let it go and not let the situation and the memories of the situation control my day to day emotional life.  And I've been rather successful.

But then I peel a layer of the onion.

Things have changed in the way I relate to church, to members of my congregation and to how I experience God.  I went to church today and we installed a new, interim pastor, and I've been moody all afternoon.  Everything has changed.  It isn't over simply because he left.  There is aftermath that continues to affect my life and the lives of others. The situation of the former friend and pastor can be directly linked to my wife's emotional and mental health issues.  The stress of the last year has been central in my weight gain.  I have a lot of anger that I am left with this situation to deal with.

I'm not giving up.  I'll keep peeling back that onion.  Pastor Whosit surely isn't the only thing I'll find I'm sure.  Keeping a positive attitude and squelching the negative self talk is a significant step forward for me given my past and personality.  But denying what's buried deep down will not keep me moving forward.

I've got more work to do.

You know, this isn't a typical Jogging Clydesdale post.  But it was important to write so I think I'll post it anyway.