Conversations in my Head

Hey, Left Hand Guy!

Yeah?

I'm confused.

About what?

This last trip through carb town. 

 It wasn't you, was it.

Um.  No, not really.  Don't get me
Wrong.  I enjoyed seeing you crash
And burn, but I didn't push you.  I
Didn't even make a lot of comments.

So what happened?

You'll have to ask someone else.

Who?

Fat Me: Me

Fat me?  Where did you come from? I

Haven't heard from you in ages.

FM: Well, Kevin, look back at what
The last month has been.  Our wife's health,
our financial situation, our injury keeping
us from running.

Yeah, that's usually when LHG beats

The snot out of me.

LHG: Not this time.  Fat Me beat me to it.
That is, he stepped in before I could get in
Some really good licks.

I still don't understand.

FM: Kevin, who took care of you for the first
39 years of your life?  It wasn't LHG.  And it wasn't
Thin Me.

Thin Me: Hmmm?

FM: Nothing. Go back to sleep.

Well, I guess you did.

FM:  Exactly.  And I always will.
I love the fact that you've been
Able to put me to the side.  Honestly,
I don't mind.  But your life, Kevin,
Will be full of pain as well as joy.
And sometimes, when you're
Hurt
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Well, sometimes you will seek me
Me out.  And I will comfort you.

So, I'm just that weak, huh? As

Soon as life gets tough, I'll

Just go back to my bad habits.

FM: Oh Kevin, you really are a
Silly goose.  Look at what 2012
Has been.  Hell, look at what the last
3 years have been.  And how many
Times in those years have you had
To really rely on me?  Hardly at all.
There is no shame in falling back
To those things you KNOW will
Comfort you when you really,
Absolutely have reached the end
Of your rope.  You're only a
Man, after all.

LHG:  I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Hmmm...I'm going to have to 

Think about this for awhile.

FM: Go ahead, but you know I'm right.
I'm not a bad person, Kevin.  I know
What I'm doing isn't healthy in the
Long run and I'm so happy that you
Don't need me as much anymore.
But a weekend of Fat Me once
Or twice a year?  Stop beating
Yourself up.

LHG: Actually, I agree with him.

Thanks guys.  

LHG and FM: No problem.








TM: What's going on? Where'd
Everybody go?  Kevin?
Left Hand Guy?
Fat Me?
Hello?
...
I'm gonna go get my
Stationary bike on.

Nothing More

Is there something between "In Brief" and a long, reflective post?  I'm going to have to think what to call it, but that's what this one is.

This week has been the most stressful since my wife's illness last January.  And it is related to that illness as well.  I'll not go into it in much detail...just know that she is maintaining and is not in any way needing to be re-hospitalized.  But it's clear that she'll not be working again for a very, very long time.  That brings several emotional and financial worries to the forefront.

But, there is a plan.  It will just take longer than I thought to work itself out.

I have written about my trigger foods and I recognize that I am a stress eater.  This week is no different.  I am responding to this week with some poor choices.  I recognize it for what it is.  I'm not going to rationalize it or shame myself for it.  It is stress.  And it is my emotional reaction to it.

Nothing more.

So, how did you do it?

"So, how did you do it?"

How many times have I been asked that?  How many times have you been asked that?  Everyone wants to know how I dropped 40 (60 unofficially) pounds.  They want to know my secret.  They want to know the easy answer.  They want to find the magic formula.

I know this because I wanted to know all those things too.

But the answers are far from easy and no one has the time or inclination to hear the truth.

I didn't do this by watching my calories.  I didn't do this because the "rapid weightloss" program works so well.  I didn't do this by jogging a minuscule amount three times a week.  There was no magic

I have gotten to this point in my journey because I was willing to find the real reasons for my bad health.  I was willing to look in the very dark rooms inside.  I was willing to explore the reasons why I equated food with emotions.  I was willing to stand up to myself and call myself a liar.  I was willing to  expect demand honesty from myself.  I was willing to be scared.  I was willing to feel the pain.

And I was willing to stand before myself and understand, to forgive and to accept.

-----O-----

About a 2 years ago, before I gained all my weight back, an acquaintance had asked me that tired question.  He's got about half a foot and probably 50 pounds on me.  He smokes.  He doesn't exercise.  He wanted to know how I did it.  I told him the about the program and the Couch to 5K training I followed.  He said I inspired him. He got excited and vowed that he was going to start because he "had to do something."

I looked him in the eyes and said, "No. You won't."

The look of pain and disappointment and fear in his eyes that day disturbed me, and does so to this day.

He said that he was going to prove me wrong.  I said I hope he does.  I said you need to be ready to fix what's inside.  And I said that I was sorry, but I didn't think he was ready.

He wasn't.  He still smokes.  He still is large.  He didn't prove me wrong.  I knew he wasn't ready to do the real work.  He wanted the quick fix.  Like we all do.

But that day I just could not be dishonest with him.

Did I do wrong? Did I set him up for failure by telling him, essentially, that I didn't believe in him? 

But, here's the thing.

I am no better than him.

I crashed and burned inside.  After that encounter, I went on to gain back 50 pounds and slap another 20 on top of it.   I stopped being willing to do all that work I praised myself for doing just a few minutes ago in the paragraphs above.

I looked myself in the eyes and said "No. You won't" and I accepted that.

-----O-----

I am convinced that food didn't make me fat.  It was my 40 years of self loathing and a unwillingness to explore the depths of my being that did.  It was a lifetime of avoiding the pain inherent in life.  It was the fact that I was trying to feed what was going on inside with stuff from the outside.  It was because I was scared.

Nothing worked until I tended to that garden inside.

I don't know if this is the answer is right for you.  I don't want to inspire you.  You MUST find inspiration within yourself.  Nothing else works.

But that is how I did it.  And that's how I do it.  And it's how I'll keep doing it.

And that's what I'll tell the next person who asks.

Outside my inside

I am fat.

That's not a self-deprecating comment.  It is acceptance.  The closest I've come to accepting that fact.

I am fat.

I regularly tell myself that I am heavy.  Large.  That I carry it well.  That I'm not really that bad.  That I'm a skinny, fit person inside and all I have to is bring that person out.
And when I listen closely, there is a voice that says I don't have to believe any of this; that I'm just fine.

But, I am fat.  I accept it now.  And I know that I will need to keep accepting it, over and over and over again.

I can look in the mirror and see a man with kind eyes, with a friendly smile and a slightly greying beard.  I see a man that has been through a lot of trials and tribulations.  I see a man who has survived and succeeded.  I see a man I love.

Yet, in all my work to accept myself, to find the self esteem, to seek out and work through the emotions that control my eating...I forgot to accept the physical state of my body.  I denied it because I was not "that" person.  I was someone else I was discovering inside.  And I ignored the person I am on the outside.  I still do.

But I can't do that anymore.  I must accept that I am fat; that I am inhabiting an unhealthy body; that the body that gives me life isn't something separate from me....it is me.  My physical self.

I am a soul.  I am a mind.  I am a thought.  I am a personality.  And, I am also a body.  

I occupy space, therefore, I am.

As sad as it is, this is a new insight.  Or should I say a clearer insight.  I've not said anything I haven't thought before.  But, this morning, it just seems more real.  And scarier.

I am fat. And I don't want to be.

If I can keep hold of that fact, maybe, just maybe, I can begin doing something about it.