The Bottom Line

Yes, what I posted in my In Brief is true.  I am leaving the hospital's "rapid" weight loss program and diving head first into their Outlook program.  And I have to tell you, I'm terrified.

For the last year or so, I have been on the losing end of the "rapid" program.  It depends on supplements and being in ketosis.  In other words, no carbs.  When it works and I get into ketosis, then the weight really does melt off.  I lost 60 pounds in about 6 months.  But I've been stuck for the last year.  I don't have anyone to blame (if there's any blame to be had) except myself.  After 4 years of shakes and bars, it no longer worked.  After 4 years of thinking of carbs as the enemy, the shame that came with the inevitable carb load was soul crushing.  After 4 years of trying....well, I just didn't want to try anymore.

Part of the motivation to change course came from the program itself.  The program I was in had some shake up.  The director of the program, who had started it many years ago and nurtured in the direction she wanted to go, left. Very abruptly.  Seems that higher manager wanted to go in directions she was unwilling to go.  And with the changes, I started hearing about this Outlook program.

The Outlook program is based on a balanced diet from all four groups.  It is under the same umbrella program as the "rapid" program...a sister program if you will, developed for the lactose intolerant and the diabetic. It is calorie counting ( insert sad face here).  And it is not rapid.  I am looking at least another year of this if I'm going to approach my goal.  And that, dear friends, is what terrifies me.

I am tired of "dieting".  I have learned so much about my inner self and my outer self.  I have confronted my LHG.  I have found my inner spark.  I have challenged my unhealthy emotional attachment to food.  I discovered my joy in running.  Me, running! Are you kidding me?!?  I have grown and aged and matured and learned and suffered and achieved and cried and shouted and, and, and.

I have been on this road for so goddam long that I can barely stand to look down this next stretch. Honestly, I've gone from can I to do I want to?

I'm still trying to answer that.

But, until I do, I've decided to start down this path and see if it is worth it.  And let me tell you, I think I do.  I get to eat fruit again.  And oatmeal.  Oatmeal! And rice.  And yogurt.  And veggies.  Oh my...3 cups of low starch veggies a day.

To be honest, I am having some trouble eating everything I'm supposed to.  The hardest part is the planning.  I can't just grab a shake and a bar for the day and have a vague idea for what I'm going to do for supper.  Nope. I gotta plan my breakfast and my lunch and my snack and my supper and make sure that I've got all my parts in.  It's a huge challenge.  But I feel like I'm finally putting those 4 years of classwork to work.  All the nutritional classwork in the "rapid" program was geared for life after weight loss.  It feels good to put it into practice.

What hasn't got any easier is temptation. Chips. Ice cream.  Deep fried goodness. Oh my.  And, since the almighty carb is no longer the enemy, I find it even easier to give in. That is a problem...but one that I'll take on one day at a time.

So, that's it for now.  I hope I haven't lost too many of you during my hiatus.  I'm back and I'm starting something new.

And, yes, I am tired and terrified. But I can't quit.  And I'll tell you why.  Because I think too much of myself to stop and give in.  That's the bottom line.