I've not had a lot to say lately.That's a lie.
I've had a lot to say, but didn't know it. Didn't know how. Didn't know why.
I'm feeling a bit lost.
When I wrote about finding the divine spark underneath the cacophony of voices, it was a true epiphany. It was the first time I had ever found that elusive part of me that was truly me. The voices of doubt, despair, anger, pride, humility, fear, self hatred and sadness fell away.
The voice of judgement was broken.
I felt like I had come through to another side.
I held on to that insight for as long as I could. I still do. But in the intervening weeks I'm learning that discovering it is a lot different than hearing it. Those other thoughts and fears are so loud. And I have to search so hard to find that spark again.
I feel like I am in a dark and turbulent sea. Waves crash down on my head and I struggle to keep my head up. I am adrift in an ocean of words like:
Fail
Give Up
Loser
Quitter
Give In
You're Not Going To Succeed
Eat
Comfort
Just A Nibble
Just A Bowl
Just A Bag
Unworthy
Can't
Defy
Disappointment
Cheater
Fatty
Big
Bad
Undeserving
And it is maddening to be buffeted by these words and images and thoughts and perceptions when I know exactly what it is.
I am depressed.
I am dragging my ass through a depressive episode. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no particular stressor in my life that has brought it on. It just is.
And I was hoping that by latching on to that holy star inside that I could weather it. But it is lost in the sea.
But.
I am not without hope.
I know it is there somewhere. I have seen it. I will see it again. I have heard it. I will hear it again. I have felt it. I will feel it again.
I know that this episode is not forever.
Someone once said something about Faith, Hope and Love. I've always understood these words as external and descending upon me. I am wondering what happens when those words well up from inside.
This post seems somewhat chaotic and rough. But I'm going to leave it with out too much editing.
I'm in a bad spot. But I know there is a good spot coming soon. Just can't see it right now.
Unfortunately finding our way is a constant search. I'm on the same path. Sometimes there's a lot more light on the road, and sometimes there's no moon in the night. Wishing you moonlight.
ReplyDeleteI've no advice here, my friend, but I believe in you. You have been pretty consistent throughout this journey (unlike me) and I know you will find your way out of it.
ReplyDeleteI've been there with the depression (and still go there, whether I like it or not). A friend of mine described it the same way you titled your post - as waves. And when I'm in the trough, I just have to have faith that I'll peak again.
ReplyDeleteI've found moments of epiphany to be capricious things. The more I try to grasp it, the further it gets. If I just let it come (knowing that it will also go), it seems to be better.
I don't have any advice either, but just wanted to let you know there are others of us out here, riding the waves, even if we can't see each other!
It is frustrating to find a moment of clarity/lucidity, but not be able to stay in it. Or rather, the "staying in it" is the brave business of daily living. You still have that spark, and it belongs to you.
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