I Give Up

I give up.

Seriously.

This isn't some lame attempt at engendering encouragement.  I don't seek platitudes or ata-boys.

I. Give. Up.

I cannot do this.

I cannot keep up, day after day, week after week, a positive attitude with my eyes on the prize.  I cannot continually muster the courage to look within the dark places and declare that I will conquer my doubt, my fears, my negative self image.  I cannot continue in blind confidence that I will succeed; that one day I will get on those fucking scales and see 200.  Or less.

Or simply be rid of this roll of fat around my midsection, hanging from my frame, interfering with my comfort and reminding me daily of my weaknesses. And shame. And loathing. And defeat.

And I cannot bear the shame when I fail, every day, to live up to my own expectations.

It is time to state publicly that I fail, that I will fail, constantly, in my journey.  This is the truth.  I have never said anything truer on this blog.

I give up, publicly, and without hesitation, any notion--any hope--that my journey will end someday, my prize claimed and my self fear vanquished.

But you can be damn sure I'm not giving up the journey.