I heard a whisper

It's no secret that I have been struggling of late.  My lack of posts, my unposted Way Ins, my creation of another blog...these are all attempts at trying to avoid addressing what I think is going on.

And what is going on, you ask?  I don't know.

That's not exactly true.

I know that I have been stuck at this 280 pound plateau for far too long.  I know that I have become very discouraged.  I know that I have made many mistakes.  I know that I live on the edge of giving up.

And that makes me mad.

Because I also know what I want.  I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to be slim.  I want to feel in control of my eating habits. I know I want to run longer and faster.  I know I want to live longer and faster.

What I know and what I want seem so far apart.  And after all this time I still don't know why that is so.

Last Saturday, I carb loaded like nobody's business.  It started with a cookie.  Then 4 more.  Then a half dozen more.  Then a bowl of popcorn, a bowl of ramen noodles, bread, granola bars, and so on and so forth.

Why?

My program director says it is a form of self abuse.  By eating that first cookie, I decide I must be a bad person.  So I eat more to justify that negative self image.  That makes sense.

But why after 4 years do I still have this subconscious self inflicting wound?  I've come so far in my self actualization and understanding.  I have done a ton of work on improving my self esteem.  I've examined my emotional triggers.  I understand that I will sometimes fall short when I am hurt, angry, lonely or tired.  I've worked so hard in overcoming all these things.  Why do I continue to sabotage myself?  Why am I stuck at 280?

It came to me in a whisper Tuesday night.  I heard it as I was falling asleep.  And it has been on my mind since then.  I heard:

"you don't deserve it"

My world has been rocking a bit since then.  I'm still trying to make sense of it.  Clearly I have a longer way to go. Intellectually I know I do deserve fitness and health.  I know that I deserve to feel comfortable in my size and want that size to be slimmer than I am now.  I know I am in control of my eating habits.  I know all these things in the front of my mind.  But, back there in the dark, cold and frightening room, the emotional part of me does not.

But I am grateful for this insight.  Now, I believe, I understand what I need to work on next.