Abundance and Graditude

This is one of those "I haven't had much to say lately" posts, except that's not really true.  I've had a lot to say the last few weeks, but I just didn't know how to put in words.  The upshot is that November started of with some really good news.  For those who regularly read my blog, you know some of the trials and tribulations of the last year with my wife's health and loss of income.  By the end of summer it was very clear that she would not be ready to work for a long time.  And so her doctor said he'd support an application for government assistance.  Long story short, my wife has been awarded benefits that puts us in more financial security than we've had over the last 3 years.


Is it something we're happy about?  I'm not sure anyone is happy to apply for disability benefits.  It is a act of last resort.  We've tried for the last 3 years to do it on our own with significant help from family.  I think the word that best described it is relieved.  And what happiness relief brings is what we are experiencing.  The benefits are not a lot, but it's enough to give us wriggle room and not fear outright bankruptcy.

What this has done for me and my weightloss journey, though, has been problematic.  As soon as we got the news, I started eating again.  Or I should say I kept on eating.  Not in celebration, not out of stress.  I couldn't figure it out.  Stress eating while living paycheck to paycheck, and beyond...that makes sense.  I thought with that stressor removed, caloric intake would be easier.  Instead I had just the opposite reaction.  I was eating more.  And I was feeling less control.

I could not figure it out.  And, for someone who has worked so hard for so long to gain a modicum of mastery over his emotional connections to food, it was beyond frustrating.  I knew I was eating emotionally, but I couldn't identify what that emotion was.

It finally hit me Thanksgiving evening.  Abundance.  With the financial situation improved, something clicked in the back of my brain that said "you can eat now because you can afford all that carb goodness you've deprived yourself because you couldn't afford it."  I was eating because the sense of scarcity was gone.  And what is frustrating is that before this good news, I was eating because of the sense of scarcity.  How messed up is it that the polar opposite feelings of scarcity and abundance both triggered unhealthy eating patterns in me?

I've been mulling all this over in my mind since that realization.  And I noticed that, having identified it, controlling my impulses has been much easier.  I'm feeling back on track, or at least much more steady than I have been in several weeks.  I've noticed over the last month is the number of people who comment on my new shape.  These comments have always bothered me because I know that at the times the comments are made, I know that I was actually up 5, 10, even 15 pounds because of the carbs I was taking in.  Indeed these comments started coming between the time of the good news and the revelation of abundance.  How can I appear to be slimming if I know the facts of the scale? 

However,  I have also learned several times over that those comments start coming just before a significant weight loss occurs--almost like the scales have to catch up to the appearance.   Even though my scale and my mind was saying "you're eating too much and you're out of control", my body was responding very positively to the new reality of our situation.  My body was relaxing and adapting and, dare I say, setting me up for success.  I don't want to take it for granted that this is what is happening.  But I will be on the look out for confirmation.

I'll simply end this post with a simple statement of gratitude.  I am thankful for my wife and children, for my home and extended family, for my health and my relief and for the many blessings the universe sees fit to grant me.  For these things, I am grateful.