Ramblings

I've been struggling a bit and I'm not sure why.  Stress is always a factor and I've had my fair share lately. I eat when I'm not hungry for things I know are off program.  This, of course, is nothing new and nothing that hasn't happened to millions of others trying to lose weight.  I've been here before.  But...

But the difference this time is that I've got no insight and no motivation to find the insight. I haven't had anything to share or explore in this forum which usually means I've lost all focus.  But even there I know I haven't.  I've been keeping up on my running, mostly because it feels so good.

No, the problem is that I want to eat what I want to eat and I don't want to think about it.

And it really pisses me off.  I've worked too hard to come to this point to be so flippant about my progress.

Part of it is from coming across a Fat Acceptance blog.  I was exploring the responses to the news anchor video that spoke out to her bully on the air (I know I should provide links, but, frankly, I don't have it in me for such details).  I'd come across blogs like this before, those promoting Health At Any Size. I've usually not been affected too much by what I read via this movement.  But this time, I just feel like saying, what's the point?  My BP is good, I'm not diabetic, my cholesterol is good.  In some ways, I  am healthy at this size.  So why not stop here?  Why not accept where I am right now?  And it's like the wind was taken from my sails.

And that's got me in a bind.

See, on the one hand, I HAVE to accept my present condition.  If I don't, I'll never take the steps to change.  On the other hand, I WANT to be slimmer.  And right now the HAVE to outweighs the WANT to. Right now, HAVE to also means WHY TRY?

It's like I've got two minds.  And I mean far beyond dialogs with The Left Hand Guy.  Both minds want something that I can't have at the same time.  I can't eat what I want all the time and expect to lose the weight.  And it all depends on which mind is in control at any given time.

It's driving me batty.  It's taking all my reserves to not fall into a third mind of a shame cycle.

I know this. I am not healthy. Even if I could be healthy at this size, I am not.  All my numbers might be ok, except my BMI, but I am also more than a collection of data points.  I am not good in the head.  My mental health, my self worth, self-esteem, self-image---my body is a physical vessel for these things.  And the weight I have taken on, in my reasoning, is the physical manifestation of these things.  And I am damaging my vessel.

I am not where I want to be.  I accept that this is the condition of my body, right now, in this moment.  But I want to believe it is a body in transition; a body reflecting the self growth I am working even harder on.

None of this answers why it's been so easy lately to eat what I want, when I want.  None of this answers why I am not moving toward my goal.  I am still buffeted by two minds, two wills, two forces that are dividing me.  What I am and what I want.  Or is it What I want and what I want to be?

Thanks for reading this far. I know it doesn't make much sense.  But I've rambled on enough.

I'm not giving up.