This is my real life

When I awoke today
Suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams
I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again


And you say,
"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

~Colin Hay "Waiting for my real life to begin"

I have long enjoyed this song by Colin Hay.  Essentially it's a story of a man (I assume) who continually waits for that one thing to happen that will turn everything around for him--winning the lottery, get rich quick schemes, etc.  Meanwhile another person in his life (a wife? certainly someone who loves him) implores him to start living now.  It's a story I'm guessing many relate to.  This week it resonated with me like a church bell up close.

I'm not a guy who is waiting for many of his dreams to come true.  I have a good job and a mostly successful career.  I am happily married and am thoroughly enjoying the dad thing.  I have a roof over my head.  I have worked very hard to understand my life and to love those around me.  Sure I daydream of being financially independent and incredibly handsome.  What I'm saying is, my life is pretty much what I've wanted and I am slowly becoming the man I had always hoped to be.  I've not waited for my life to begin.

 Except...

It struck me last week just how much I've been planning all my married life that my wife would be the healthy one.  She is the nurse who knows about healthy living and stuff.  She knows nutrition.  She was an athlete in high school and is much more active than me.  She was the one that was going to stay healthy and be there with my kids and grandkids should anything happen to me.  I took comfort in that.  Too much comfort.  

It's another nugget in this whole weightloss, healthy living, emotional eating thing I got going on here.  It was the assurance that if anything happened to me, my wife would be there for my family.  And I wasn't fully aware of this nugget, just as I am unaware of so much about why I am the way I am and do the things I do.  I didn't need to take my health as serious as my conscious mind told me.  My unconscious mind believed this secret knowledge.

Two weeks ago we received the news I've shared previously about my wife's diagnosis of Lupus.  We've since learned that the doctor's diagnosis is quite preliminary; that she doesn't have the expertise to diagnose it correctly.  It is still very likely to be Lupus, though it may be any of a number of auto-immune and connective tissue disorders.

Whether or not it is Lupus and whether or not it is terminal in the long or short term, I became painfully aware that there is every possibility that it will be me surviving.  I hope that with the grace of the universe that she and I will spend the next 50 years together, but I can't count on it as I once did.  And that is probably the hardest thing I have ever forced myself to write on this journal.

I realize now that there are parts of my life that I've been waiting to begin.

"Just be here now, forget about the past, the mask is wearing thin."

I have a whole life to look forward to.  With my wife.  With my children.  And if the universe is gracious enough, with my grandchildren.  How selfish of me to put all that unconscious pressure on my wife to be the healthy one.  I have not been a true partner in this regard. But I am learning. The past is past.  I've said that often in this blog.  It's time to move forward.

 

(Lest anyone think that this post is moribund and I am melancholy and despondent, the truth is I am thankful for this insight.  How wonderful is it that I still have a chance to regain my health?!? I have been searching for a reason to live a healthy life beyond the vague feeling that I should want to.  I have found it.  I have already lost 10 pounds in the last month. I am experiencing what I believe many people call Joy.)