Little Pinpricks

So, Thanksgiving rolls around.  I threw caution to the wind and ate what I wanted…for the noon meal.  Which is exactly as I planned.  Otherwise, I snacked a bit (and I really mean just a bit) on Aunt Katie’s party mix but stuck to the plan to eat when I was hungry.  And I wasn’t hungry again until about 9 that night.  So I had some popcorn.  And that was it.

I am amazed at how food did not control me yesterday.  Then I turn it around and am amazed that I controlled food.

Not that the day wasn’t without it’s bumps.  I’ve often said on this blog that I have had very little experience in the way of receiving insults or judgments based on my weight.  I had forgotten the little comments family makes and passes them off as jokes.

I had started writing a paragraph of what happened and then realized I didn’t really want to go there.  I was going to describe a cousin who made a rude comment and laughed.  It made me mad.  It hurt.  It was on my mind all evening.  For those of you who read my twitter feed, you may have caught it.  But I started introducing my cousin to you as a loathsome ne’er do well who had no station in life to judge me.  What I found as I wrote is that I pity him.  He has had a very hard knock life.  He knows that he’s not successful like most of the cousins are.  He’s had the stack against him from day one as he has a birth defect that I’m sure he’s taken a lot of teasing about.  Maybe even from me when we were kids, I don’t remember.  Teasing may be his only way of trying to fit in; the only way to feel like he has one up on me.

I just don’t have it in me to tear into my cousin in my blog where he will never read it and never be able to defend himself.

So I go on in a more general sense.

As I said, I’ve been lucky that I’ve not experienced a lot of bigotry for my size.  But from my experience yesterday, it is clear that my skin is thin when those little jokes are made “all in good fun”.  I’ve not had the big insults like being called a fat pig from a car of laughing teenagers or some of the other horror stories I’ve read in other blogs.  But the little pinpricks I thought I was ignoring hurt just as much.

Especially when they come from family.  

But even more so when they come from myself. 

I get mad at those little comments.  “You sure you want to eat that?” “Don’t let Kevin near the [insert name of food here] or there won’t be any left.”  “I can’t get my arms around you to hug you.” “If I keep going like I am, I’ll be as big as you.”

(Now that I think about it, I haven’t been lucky at all…except with strangers.)

Thing is, there’s not one of those little jokes (and many others) that I haven’t made to myself.  If their comments won’t shame me into a healthier lifestyle, what makes me think saying the same thing to myself will be any more helpful?

I’ve decided I’m not going to take those little jokes anymore.  A simple “I find that rude. Please don’t make light of what I am.  It is hurtful to who I am” should suffice.  When I make the little comments to myself that is.

Everyone else is getting the finger.