Haven't had much to say lately. Actually, I've been reeling from a comment made by my 15 yo son. He said that he is angry at me for gaining my weight back. He said I was happier when I was thinner and I'm a #&@*! to be around now. And he complained that "now that [I'm] fat again, there's never anything in the house" because I eat it all.
Lest anyone think ill of the boy, it was perfectly in context with our conversation and didn't just come out of nowhere. Except it did come out of nowhere in as much as I didn't expect such an emotional response from him.
I'm left more bewildered than hurt, but I can't deny that I am hurt as well. His words did sting but so much more is the hurt I feel I caused him.
This journey just took a strange twist. I'm a #&@*! to be around because of the incredible amount of stress the last 12+ months have had. I do my best to not take it out on the family, but I'm not perfect. I am depressed. I am heavy again. And now I have first hand knowledge in how this is affecting my kids.
I'm trying hard not to berate myself and instead take from this an important insight. It's not easy.
Interesting. Kinda Chicken and Egg in my thinking. Are you grumpy because you're heavy or are you heavy because you're grumpy?
ReplyDeleteOh DB, I think I am definitely heavy because I'm grumpy.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband once (who, thankfully, was a lot more tactful than you son). I asked him (with tears running down my face) if he'd be happier if I lost weight. He didn't miss a beat and responded, "I think you'd be happier if you lost weight and if you were happier, then I'd be happier." I don't think he honestly cared if I lost weight...he just wanted a happy wife. After I lost 55 pounds, one day I said that he seemed to be more affectionate with me. And at that point I knew it had nothing to do with how my body looked...it had everything to do with my happiness and confidence. He was more affectionate because *I* was more affectionate.
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I don't tie my happiness to my body (well, most of the time), it's not an issue any more.
Now, you see Karen, that's a twist that I hadn't put on it. Thanks for the illustration. I know the boy doesn't hate me. In fact, he's quite able to show his love behind his moodiness and dour teenaged self. But this really did throw me for a loop. However, knowing him I think it is quite reasonable to take it as his thinking I'd be happier if I can find thin self again. He just doesn't have the words.
ReplyDeleteThanks.