When I deny myself food, I feel that I do not love myself. I feel it deep down in a dark place I don't like to go to; in a dank room with dirty walls and a 40 watt bare bulb barely burning a presence in the darkness.
Where I am alone.
Where I store all my self doubt and my fears stacked like old documents in cardboard boxes.
Where whispers are kept silent.
I have learned that swallowing my emotions, both literally and figuratively keeps this room's door locked. And that is a problem.
It makes no sense. And it is maddening! Why would feeding my face keep this room locked away?
Let's go back to the begining. When I deny myself food, I feel that I do not love myself. And I feel it deep down in this room.
The room is Fear. And food is not the key, it is the box that the things I am afraid of are kept. When I deny myself food, I am letting the fear out.
I am not showing myself love when I eat. I am only avoiding the fear. I am not denying myself love when I deny myself foods I think I want. I am only letting the fear trick me into feelings I attribute to not loving myself.
I think I'm going to have to spend some time in that room. And I am afraid. I do not want to go there, but I do not want to live like this anymore.
Whoa. I *felt* your fear just reading this post. I don't know if this will help or not, but I have come to really believe that our fear can not destroy us. I know it feels like it might, but it can't. IT CAN NOT!
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen. Since writing this piece, I've had an image in my mind's eye of standing at the door and letting whatever is inside the room rush over me like a wind while remain calm and assured. This was a powerful exercise for me.
ReplyDeleteFood as love is so central to how we operate as human beings. Shoot, that sounds so pseudo-intellectual, and I don't mean it to be that way at all. I just think of all the people in my life, and how so many have showed love throughout the years. Their gifts of food were a big part of that. Turning down food was akin to turning away love. I feel this blog post.
ReplyDeleteAt one point, it was popular to tout not eating past a certain hour because of how the body processed food. I felt so bloody hostile after that magical hour passed. Now, it turns out that it was just the health industry once again treating the public with contempt, i.e. one is more likely to binge at night, so better not eat anything.
CJ, I usually need a wee snack at night. I've allotted a certain # of calories to that evening snack. I will hold back during the day just so I can have that snack in the evening. I feel as if I'm taking care of that basic "food is love" desire while exerting some control over how it comes about.