I've been hemming and hawing about whether or not to expound on my thoughts about Maura Kelly and her recent blog blow up. If you haven't read it, you can here and a link to a solid, sound response (the best I've found yet)* can be found here. But to sum it up, Kelly put her foot in her mouth when she said that she would find it disgusting to watch fat people be affectionate on TV, indeed that watching a fat person walk across the room is too much to bear in real life. And it gets worse from there, partly because she seems to be in earnest that she's really writing to help the overweight.
I don't have a real need to vilify her. Plenty of others on the interwebs have done enough of that. Instead, the whole thing has gotten me rather reflective about my own situation. I've been rather lucky that I have not experienced a lot of prejudice and nasty comments from strangers. And those I get from friends and family are mild and only on occasion. Some of the stories are downright funny if you ask me. A few years back a patron of the branch library, where I work as the librarian and staff supervisor, called to complain about customer service. I took the phone call, listened to the gentleman, then asked if he knew who on my staff had treated him so poorly. He said: "It was that really fat guy." I responded, "Well, sir, I'm the only male employee here so it must have been me. What can I do to make the situation better?" There was silence, then he said "Well, I guess we're even." Then he hung up.
It isn't to say that I have escaped harsh words and judgmental looks from others. Simply that it doesn't happen too often to me. This brouhaha around Kelly's post actually reminds me how lucky I've been to have such a fantastic network of friends and family. I have a feeling that it has partly to do with the fact that I'm male. Most of my female friends have many more horror stories than my male friends in this regard. Or it could also be that I'm just clueless, which actually tends to go along with being male.
Still, there is one thing that many well meaning people in my life do that cuts deeper than most. If they see me snacking, they'll ask "are you sure you want to do that?" My former pastor was notorious for this one. It bothers me because a flat out insult can be processed and ignored rather quickly in my headspace (ok, I'm not that laid back, but in comparison...) but these statements carry a stench of "Father Knows Best" that really rubs the wrong way. And I can guarantee that it will have the opposite effect. It doesn't work when I shame myself, what is it about these people that they think they can shame me into a healthier lifestyle? Many friends and family who say that to me say it only once. But some just don't get a clue.
Where is all this leading? I have no freaking clue. Like many in my situation, the emotions caught up in lifestyles destructive to healthy living are complex. If I write next week, I would probably come up with a whole litany of slights and insults, judgments and injustice. But right now, I'm feeling pretty good about myself so this is really all the bluster I can muster after following the train-wreck at Kelly's blog.
*Update: Josh Shahryar's response is fantastic in its rational counter arguments and analysis, Jen Lancaster's response is simply brilliant.
What I'm finding interesting (as in "icky") about all of this is that this is the second incident in a month's time where Marie Claire has had an article or blog post out that has incensed a great deal of the blogging community. First, the article about fit-blogging women, and second, the Maura Kelly post.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that Marie Claire is in the process of casting aside any mantle to journalistic integrity it had, and is instead donning the bargain basement "tabloid" look.
They're thrilled to death these pieces get all the feedback they've had. The hits tickle them no end. I'm just hoping they experience the backlash they so richly deserve for publishing this dreck.
I agree Amanda. While I'm not in MC's target auidence, Mrs C has been quite troubled with the Maura Kelly post. She's said she always thought MC to be the most inclusive of fashion magazines. Now she doesn't know what to think since the editor-in-chief has defended rather than distance the magazine from the blog.I do regret how often I go back to witness the carnage knowing that every page visit means more $$$ from their advertisers.
ReplyDeleteMarie Claire = trash. Any questions?
ReplyDeleteClydes: The ONLY people who should ask you, "Should you be eating that?" are the people you've specifically told should tell you that. Everyone else needs to back off. (This is the way I feel about correcting other people's grammar-- if the person is not my teacher or parent, s/he needs to back off unless I've said, "Please proof-read this essay for me.")
ReplyDeleteNo comment on Marie Claire.
The subject of the unwanted advice is interesting to me. My mother gave gentle reminders, disapproving looks and hid food from my obsese brother. It didn't work. My MIL outright nags and bitches at my obese FIL. It just makes him feel adversarial and he acts out in her face.
ReplyDeleteMy SIL, who has never been obese or had an obese person in her family, watches Biggest Loser obsessively and questions, "Why did the family LET so-and-so get so out of control?"
Having food issues in the household affects more than the overeater. When I went to college, I LOST the Freshman 15, rather than gained it, because I learned that I didn't need to eat food I wasn't hungry for because there was no one around who was going to sneak it out of the fridge later and take it from me forever.
But I still have residual food issues. Even though I KNOW that 14-year-old boys are going to eat a lot and eat often, I find myself giving disapproving looks and lectures to my son. I finally told him that I probably couldn't be completely rational on the subject given the family history and that he should try to remove the emotion from what I say.
But I still think he eats too much and for the wrong reasons.
I don't think I comment on anyone's eating habits aside from my offspring because it's not polite. But would you let a loved one change a lightbulb while standing in a rain puddle? No, it would cause them physical harm. Would you even let them walk around with spinach in their teeth? No, it would cause them shame and embarrassment. I'm not trying to rationalize nagging or scolding. Nagging and scolding seems unkind. But passive indifference seems irresponsible.
I don't know what the right answer is.
DB, I think that passive indifference can be irresponsible too, but I think not everyone I meet or even everyone that is part of my life has the prerogative to comment. What is difficult is perceiving who can and who cannot comment and in what ways can that person make their comments known? Most of my family (my parents, sibs, wife and children) can say almost anything except things clearly meant to be cruel. More distant relations (cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws) would probably need to be more guarded. Some friends can be even more blunt than my family, while others better not make a peep. Strangers don't have any such privileges.
ReplyDeleteWhile my friend S&S says everyone needs to back off, I know via off blog conversations that she's speaking about those who don't have any of these varying levels of prerogatives. Like my former pastor who did not have such privileges and never got the hint that he did not.
It's complicated. And that's just my perspective as the one receiving the comments. Trying to figure out to whom I can share varying levels of comments with is even more daunting. I recognize I have a solid responsibility in watching and coaching my children, but as they get older the tact I will need to use will get complicated.
And I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't nag and scold me, partly because you probably know me well enough to know it wouldn't do any good, right? ;^) I do enjoy your perspective though and hope you don't keep altogether silent here, other places online we bump into each other or IRL.
When you mentioned the phrase ... are you sure you want to eat that, it struck a nerve. One of the phrases I hate, along with ... boy, you must of been hungry, if I'm the first one done which I usually am, but it has nothing to do with hunger.
ReplyDeleteYou're getting there ... we both are ... Good Luck and it's good to hear the Mrs. is feeling better.
~Sheilah