I believe I may have missed my mark with the last post a bit. And, when I read it, I can see why. The thrust of the post is...despair quantified? And I admit having been in a dark, wretched place when I wrote about it. I wonder if my last line was much too subtle against the strong dejection of the words above.
So, let me expound.
I give up focusing on the goal. I give up measuring my successes and failures against that unmet end. I give up hoping for something in the future that I may or may never achieve.
Instead, I choose to focus on the journey to that end. I choose to explore and admire the man I'm becoming now.
Too often I see my insights and breakthroughs as setting some kind of foundation; a bedrock upon which the road to wellness and weight loss is laid. Each new perception of myself becomes a building block toward the top of the tower of health and acceptance. And that just ain't working. Because each time something happens, a binge for example, negates what I thought I had learned about myself.
But what if a better metaphor for this is not foundations and building materials, but signposts?
My growth isn't built up from the bottom, but is instead moved forward by recognizing the signs? Sometimes one must see the same sign several times to get where you're going. Some signs warn you about what's ahead. And some signs tell you exactly where you are right now.
I've written a lot in this blog about mindfulness and living the present moment. I thought I had often come close to understanding what that meant. But I realize that in every case, living in the moment had also come with an understanding that doing so will lead me to the future I so desperately want: health, wellness and weight loss. To live in the present moment means to give that up too. And that is really, really hard.
I have no idea if someday I will be at my goal of 200 pounds or less. I give up making that my focus. Sure, it will be in my mind and I hope to make wise decisions that will get me there. But I don't fail at life if I never reach that end. I am choosing to make wise (and dumb) decisions right now of what is best for me right now.
Does this make better sense?