In Brief

• I finally broke through the 280 barrier
• I am thinking of running a 5K in June
• I'm feeling good.
• I am relearning German.

Conversations in my Head

Hello Kevin

You're not Left Hand Guy

No, I'm not

I expected Left Hand Guy.  When the post is titled Conversations in My Head, people expect Left Hand Guy

He's not real you know

Yeah, but its fun and it's been a useful device.  So, who are you?

I'm Kevin

Um. Yeah.  LHG was me too. How are you any different?

I am Kevin.

You said that

And it's true

So... what's going on. Am I on Candid Camera?

Do you remember what you wrote in your last post?  About realizing there is something inside you that is at the same time Human and Divine?

Of course I do.  That was a difficult post to share.

I am that part of you.  I am the divine fire burning inside you.  I am Kevin.

I...I...Just where the hell have you been?  I'm nearly 43 years old?  How come it's taken that long for you to show up?  Why did it take so long for me to realize you were there?

Because you didn't want to find me.

Wha??  Have you read The Jogging Clydesdale?  What is this on-line journal if not a search for you?

You didn't want to find me.  You wanted to argue with LHG.  You wanted to be Thin Me.  You could only see Fat Me.  You wanted to deal with those things you thought you could fix; the parts you thought you could overcome if only you understood. You ran from me at every opportunity.  You wanted to hate me.  You did everything you could to not love me.  But, more importantly, you refused to let me love you. 

And now that you've seen a glimpse of me.....of you.....we're going to spend a lot more time together.  And we will go places you never dreamed you'd go.

I am Kevin, the Jogging Clydesdale.  Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Friend. Me.
I have always been here.  Waiting.  Watching.  Caring.  Loving.  Being.  I am here in the deepest layers.  I'm in the places I was afraid to go.  But look, there is no darkness here.  There is only me.  And I am good.  
I am real.
I am strong.

I just am.

You

Willpower doesn't do it.

Analyzing it doesn't do it.

Understanding doesn't do it.

Shaming doesn't do it.

Planning doesn't do it.

Goal making doesn't do it.

Accepting kind of does it.

Living presently seems like it does it.

Just doing it doesn't do it.

Ignoring it doesn't do it.

Accountability doesn't do it.

Tracking doesn't do it.

Wanting doesn't do it.

Waiting sure as hell won't do it.

Realizing, for the first time in your life

 that there is something inside

something both Human 

and Divine

 that is worth 

your Time

your Attention

 your Care

 your Love

your Trust;

something that is part of you but

 so much more powerful than you can comprehend

something that knocks you on your ass 

with awe and wonder... 

and coming to understand that this is

 You             

the very essence of You,

 the very soul of You...

... knowing at the bedrock

of your being that

You are loved by this
divine fire burning inside
with a passion unlike anything
You have ever truly experienced...

...that just might do it.

Hi, my name is the Jogging Clydesdale...

... and I am a carb addict.  It's been 20 mins since my last bowl of cereal.

It hit me hard this morning.  No sooner had I opened my eyes when I suddenly realized a big missing piece of self-information.  I really am addicted to carbs.  We've all read the many articles about how carbs release pleasure hormones and bring a sense of euphoria.  I've always understood it in an academic way, I suppose.  But at some level I've never accepted it as a self-truth.  If I knew these facts, then surely my knowledge overcomes the physical dependence on the carbs.  Right?

I had a bad day yesterday.  Popcorn, bread, cereal, white rice and so on. I knew I was blowing it. I knew I wasn't eating as I "should".  I knew I was going far, far off plan. And, at the same time I was doing what I knew I did not want to do, I felt weak, ashamed, even unworthy.  It was like I was in a trance; that my legs moved toward the fridge on their own, my arms reaching for a bowl, my hands buttering the bread.  I honestly, terrifyingly, felt disconnected from my body.  No amount of will power could have stopped me.

And I hated myself with each bite.

This morning, I woke up to a simple thought. "Why do you think you're so special?  That the rules don't apply to you?"  Now, at first glance, those words don't sound all that encouraging.  But those words floated through my mind not as an admonition, but an insight.  I am a physical body that responds to the same hormone  chemistry as anyone else.  Moreso, I have 40 years practice at ignoring the truth of those hormones.  I have spent 40 years intertwining my emotions with those addictive, dependent responses to the point where I cannot separate them...not without spending a lot of mental energy.

This morning, as I woke up and those words floated through my head, I had an image of eating those first few pretzels.  And I saw the chain reaction of the entire day unfold.  And I saw the physical dependency.  I saw the trance as a "high". And the shame as a "crash".

I don't know what it is to be an alcoholic.  I can't imagine it.  But I am beginning to wonder (understand?) that that little snack of whatever is no different than an alcoholic's "one drink won't hurt".

Today has been no different.  Not a damn bit.  Today at church, cookies were offered between Sunday school and the service.  Coffee and home made cookies.  One cookie won't hurt.  Six will. Plus two thick cuts of bread once I was home.  Then 2 bowl of cereal.  And the shame. It's all there.  It's played out exactly as it did yesterday.

I cannot have that first cookie.  That first finger full of pretzels.  That first handful of popcorn.  I've even started on the wrong path on a single M (as in M&Ms). I simply cannot.

And I must, must, must forgive myself when I do.  Because will power, knowledge, understanding, discipline can take me a very long way on this journey.  But I cannot constantly go against my body, and its complex and wondrous systems.

For the first time in perhaps ever, I am beginning to understand that I'm dealing with more than my psyche--my LHG if you will.  I am up against the very chemistry that keeps me alive.